Find Your Inner Glow Podcast

Integrating Trauma Healing and Spiritual Practices: The Low Down of What I Have Been Up to Recently. Modern Dating, Core Values, Why You Are Valuable AF AND Business Chat

July 15, 2024 Kirsty Harris

Ever wondered how you can blend two seemingly opposing career paths into a single, harmonious practice? Join me, Kirsty Harris, as I open up about my journey of intertwining my roles as a trauma specialist and spiritual healer. This episode starts with my personal reflections during a bout of throat infection and expands into the challenges of maintaining balance in hectic environments like London. Hear firsthand about my efforts to seamlessly integrate these aspects of my professional identity to offer a comprehensive and cohesive approach to healing.

Shifting gears, we dive into the shifting landscape of modern dating. We'll discuss how dating apps have dramatically altered romantic dynamics, often to the detriment of meaningful connections. You'll learn about the societal impacts of this new dating culture, such as declining marriage and birth rates, and the struggles many men face in forming lasting relationships. This conversation unpacks the pressure put on both genders and delves into the societal consequences of prioritizing physical attraction over deeper, emotional bonds.

Lastly, we turn the spotlight onto the importance of realigning your core values for inner fulfillment. Discover how misalignment in personal and professional life can lead to anxiety and depression, and gain practical strategies for reconnecting with your true self. From grounding in nature to soul mapping sessions, I share actionable steps to enhance your well-being and relationships. We wrap up by emphasizing the importance of building a supportive community and fostering genuine interactions. Tune in for a heartfelt call to engage, share, and grow together on this transformative journey.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to Find your Inner Glow, the podcast that focuses on mind, body and soul, and I am your host, kirsty Harris. I am a spiritual transformation coach and an intuitive healer. I have been helping women for years and years and I am here just to give you the knowledge that you need to really tap into your essence and find your inner glow. So get comfortable and let's get into today's episode.

Speaker 2:

Well, hello, welcome back to the podcast. My babe, how are we? This has been time. You'll have to excuse my voice. I'm just off the back of like a horrendous throat infection and I don't know. I was like just literally washing my hair, fucking around and I was like, no, go and sit down at your desk and record a podcast. I have no idea what I'm going to talk about, but I feel like I just need to recap on some of the lessons that I've been learning recently, and obviously there's been a bit of a time since my last, my last, episode. But yeah, I want to just kind of reintroduce myself, I guess, because I feel like since I stopped the podcast until I restarted it, I'm just a new fucking person.

Speaker 2:

Hi, I'm Kirsty, I am Coach Kirsty. Nice to fucking meet you, baby, and I am in the mix of another transformation. You know when you're like oh, hon, hon, like I'm not OK, hon, leave me alone. Like just, I'm not okay, hun, leave me alone. But there's so many things I've learned in respect of dating, so many things that I've learned in respect of business, so many different things, but today I think I'm going to focus specifically on business. So I realised I am two people in my business recently and what's really important, what what's reached out to me is that I need to just be the one person. So I've gone through this process of in, of like integrating the light part of me and the dark part of me personally, like accepting me with all my flaws and still being fabulous. This is something that we, that we do. That's something that I do with my coaching clients, that's something that I do with my inner child. Work is accepting that we are both light and dark. This you know. The sun has the moon, the day has the night and we are exactly the same as people. But what I realized is that in my business, I'm two people. I am earthly Kirsty and I am like real world Kirsty that's what I call her and she is the trauma specialist.

Speaker 2:

Real world Kirsty that's what I call her, and she is the trauma specialist. She is the person that, like police, local government, everybody comes to to talk about trauma and to understand how it affects people. So when I'm working with frontline social workers, I'm working with them to understand their clients trauma, why they're behaving the way that they do, why they're having such emotional outbursts, how to deal with it, how to manage their triggers, how to calm them down, how to create a place of safety for them to be able to open up and understand what's going on. Then I am also like working with them about secondary trauma and vicarious trauma, which is when you are hearing traumatic events or dealing with traumatic events and how that affects you. Like, a lot of the stuff I do is critical, critical incident consultancy. So when there's a critical incident, they ask me Kirsty, how do we deal with this? So you know you're going this big fucking deal when it comes to dealing with trauma. So I have deep, deep experience of understanding trauma, but not only from, like, a theoretical point of view, but also from one to one as well.

Speaker 2:

So I've worked in a prison where I've worked with women who are having their children adopted. I've worked with a woman who was pregnant. She went out, gave birth and then eight hours later she's back in prison. I've supported her um through that, which was incredibly difficult. It's almost barbaric. You know that doesn't happen for every woman, right, but given the risks that this situation was, that was, that was what had to happen, unfortunately. I've advocated against social well, against, or like for clients, against social workers who were like this child needs to be adopted, to fight in for them to have a chance to be with their baby.

Speaker 2:

Like you know, when you go through all of this, you see the good, the bad and the ugly, and I've always been able to have this space and to create this space of safety for people to open up and talk to me about their trauma. And that's when I started to become more spiritual, like a couple of years ago. This is where I realized this was where I was meant to be, mainly because I am spiritual, I am an empath, I feel what you feel and I am very, very sensitive. But also I can really, really help people. I can really help people to understand their trauma and I was always going to be the person that had the most complicated cases, to have the most traumatized people, to have the people who needed the deepest healing. That's always been a theme through my life. So you know, I feel like that that's really special because I'm here to do things and I feel like in my business I don't integrate the two. So that's been a really big learning thing for me that I don't integrate the two, like I find it hard to bring real world, christy and the spiritual version of me together to be able to help people. So that's been like a real big revelation for me.

Speaker 2:

I think as well, I'm in this state of like really wanting to be out there and to meet people in person. So I've been in London quite a lot, which like love hate London. Like I love how busy it is. I fucking hate how busy it is because, like the oh, the first time I went to London I was sat there and I was like, oh, my god, I just need to have quiet. I was in like Paddington and I was like, right, that little Starbucks tucked up by the Hilton entrance, I'm going up there, and I found the corner and I sat down and I was like, huh, because there's just so much energy in London, right, it's so much fun, it's so invigorating, it's so lush, um. So I think like that's absolutely amazing and, yeah, being able to go out and meet people, like see what other people do, and like actually, when you get out of your pond, like even if this is a business thing or if this is a social thing, if it's a friendship thing, if it's a what a dance thing or whatever you're interested in when you are the big fish in a small pond. It's time to be the small fish in a big pond. So that's why I yeeted myself into London and along the way I've been kind of learning more around dating.

Speaker 2:

So money and love will overlap. If you lack something in money, you'll lack it in your relationships, and vice versa. So for me it only made sense to work on both of these areas together. And what's really important for me was when I was launching my new program, Unlock Empowerment, I was really focusing on value and I was like what does fucking value mean? How does it mean to value yourself? Because I, like people don't talk about this when it comes to people pleasing. And I'm and I'm here and I'm about to change the narrative about people pleasing. That's a mission of mine. But it's about value shifting. So in our lives we will switch our value onto other things. So, for example, if you work a nine-to-five you, you swap your value for the value of the job because it gives you money to survive. You don't hold the value within you that says, actually I'm really fucking good at my job and I could walk into any organization and get a fucking job because we are so scaremongered.

Speaker 2:

We are also women as well. We have that glass ceiling. We have like this, almost like oh, we're lucky to be in the position we're in, we're lucky to be earning the money that we're earning. Like, we almost have that feeling because that's a generational pattern that has been passed down from when we were able to work, from when we were working in factories, from the suffragette movement and from everything that has come down through that. Like you're lucky to be in employment, okay, like, and also, you know, sometimes equality is well. No, equality is still a problem, right? You can still get paid differently to a man doing the exact same job. And don't forget, a lot of women are disadvantaged because their pension will be affected when they have maternity leave.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah, I'm not going to get into it because I'm not a feminist. I do believe in. I am a feminist because I believe in equality, but I'm not a feminist. I believe that men are shit. So I think, like I don't associate myself with being feminist because I don't feel like the feminism title actually advocates for equality.

Speaker 2:

A lot of the time, and it's the same within every, every movement there's always like an extreme cohort of people that will say to you oh, this is it. Like you know, when you think of feminists you'll go to oh we fuck men, we only want test tube babies or vegans. Oh yeah, well, all farmers are evil. Like in every subgroup there's there's the extreme bunch that ruin it. For the rest, right, and I do advocate for women's rights. Obviously I am here. I'm fighting for women, I'm fighting with women, I'm creating a community of women and trying to decondition women from society into basically the old ways of coming together as a community as supporting one another, not being pitted against each other in competition.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah, that was a little sidetrack. I was talking about dating. So I have a theory about dating at the moment and this is where I feel like women can do the most work and I guess like I want to just touch about, touch about this because it's so, so important. So I've been listening to various podcasts, listening to audiobooks, reading books, understanding how dating in today's society is a lot different to how it was 50 years ago, 100 years ago, whatever. Okay, so you have to think girls, like men, see more attractive women before 12 o'clock on a day than a man did in the 1950s, in a year. Yeah, I'm going to say that again for you to get your head around, men see more attractive women before 12 o'clock on a single day than a man did in an entire year in the 1970s. Okay, so standards are higher.

Speaker 2:

Attraction is that men are very visual creatures. Okay, they are very, very visual. Like men will have a particular type of woman and then they will be attracted to her and the personality keeps them. Women are not so much like that. Women obviously have to feel some sort of attraction to them, but then the personality keeps them. So, for example, all my previous relationships I met in person and the personality like well, I hate to say it, but they laughed me into the relationship because they were fucking funny. They were funny guys and we had fun and we were playful. And if I saw them on a dating app, I would swipe past them, because the person that I think is attractive may not always be the right person for me, and that's the disconnect. Okay, and this is where I was like this is really interesting.

Speaker 2:

But also we are in a society as well which is being massively destabilized. So we have dating apps which are like ruining our society, and I'm a hypocrite babe, I'm on a dating app. I'm not going to stand here and say, I'm not, because that's how you meet people these days. Okay, that's it. But what I'm going to tell you is how dating apps are impacting society. So we have our dating apps, we have them, we go on them.

Speaker 2:

There will be a top 10% of men that get all the likes, all the women wanting to have sex with them, all the women wanting to, like, engage in a relationship with them. They have multiple options. And then there'll be 90% of men who are just like your average looking guys. Okay, so these 10% are the attractive ones. These are your fucking Brad Pitt. If you don't know who Brad Pitt is, you're too young to be listening to this podcast. But, yeah, sorry, sorry, I just laugh at my own jokes. Sorry, right, so these are 10%. These are your fucking Brad Pitt's like chef kiss. You know this man? Ah, ah, so beautiful, anyway.

Speaker 2:

Then you got the 90% of men who are just average. They're not six foot, they don't have a job in finance, yeah, it's all of that. So then they are kind of like in this very precarious place of like. Oh, okay, so I'm trying to shoot my shot with women and they either want to have sex with me, or they don't date me, so they're struggling to get into relationships. And then women, on the other hand, are like I desperately want a relationship, but this is the standard of relationship that I want, because Instagram has told me that also. Instagram has told me I should always chase for better, so or society has told me I should always chase for better, so or society has told me I should always chase for something better. So then we become maximizers. So then we become this person that has multiple options where you're like oh okay, I have multiple options to date, but I don't want to date any of them. Because I want to, I want to be with man in the top 10%. Problem is man in the top 10% don't want to date anyone. He just wants to fuck. Why? Because he doesn't have to commit to anybody.

Speaker 2:

Whilst we're doing this really chaotic dance, none of us are getting married, none of us are having children and our population is asian, which costs the country like a fuck ton of money, right? So this is where we start to see problems. One thing like I was having this conversation with my friend the other day and she said something so profound and I was like shit, that's so fucking true. When women don't get what they want, we don't get what we want. Look, that's a generational thing. We've had that fucking passed down to us. We know how to handle it.

Speaker 2:

But when men don't get what they want, they become dangerous. So when we have men who are not having sex, they're not engaging in positive relationships with women, they start to hate women, they start to have negative feelings towards women and that's where it becomes even more dangerous to be a woman and this is the like. You know the whole thing. Like man or a bear, right, what would you rather be? In a forest with a lot of women, said the bear, when this was a social media experiment, which, to me, is really sad that we just do not feel safe around men like that, and this is only going to increase. So, like I'm not trying to scare women, I'm not trying to, I'm really not trying to scare women, but you know, you have to look at the reality of the situation. Yeah, that's in front of you.

Speaker 2:

So this is our society becoming destabilized. We are no longer engaging in marriage, we are no longer engaging with having children. We used to have 2.4 children. Now we're down to like 1.7, I think so. Our population is decreasing massively, so this isn't a uk problem, this is a worldwide problem. If you look at south korea, they are literally giving 60 000 to families who are having children because their population is at severe risk of basically ending. So we're not just seeing it here, we're seeing it in lots of different places, in lots of different ways, and what's really important to know about dating at the moment is that we do have a lot of maximizers, both men and women.

Speaker 2:

And what do I mean by a maximizer? So this kind of analogy really stuck with me from one of the diaries diary of a ceo episodes. What's up, steven bartlett? You're my bestie, you just don't know it yet. And yeah, so I was like okay, cool, imagine, right, you have this specific jumper that you want, right, she's like oh, she's cashmere, she's a perfect shade of this color. She feels like this on your skin. Oh, this jumper is sensational. Okay, this is the best jumper that you're ever gonna get. This would translate into your dream partner. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

So you go around all these different shops, you try all these different things, you try on all these different jumpers. Oh, it's a little bit too tight. Oh, it doesn't fit right, or it feels like this, or it's a bit itchy, whatever it is. But then you find the fucking jumper. It's like golden, it's this fucking jumper of like beautifulness. And you're like, hey, what? Like this is amazing. So you try it on. It's this perfect fit. You're like, oh, baby, baby, what is going on here, like this is so beautiful, like amazing.

Speaker 2:

And then you settle this is when you enter into a relationship with a man that meets your fucking needs and you're like, yes, here maximizers will go this good, this is good and it feels good, but I can get better. And then that person will go around all the other shops, all the other houses, constantly looking for something better. But they said they originally wanted this, this cashmere jumper, and now they're looking for something else because they feel like it's something else is better out there. And you know what? I'm not even mad at people like that, because this is how society has conditioned us to be. This is how capitalism has us stuck in the always wanting more, always wanting something better. You can always have a better car, a better house, a better this, a better that. So why wouldn't we feel like that in our relationships? Right, because it would just make sense. So I think what happens with these people who are always constantly looking for the next thing, is that they lack the ability to be really connected to themselves and know who they are. Now, do you know who you are?

Speaker 2:

I've had wobbles recently about who I am, because it's really fucking hard to really tap in and speak to that part of you of like, who am I? What am I here to do? What am, oh, my god, like? What are my core values? What makes me happy? What's my vision for my life? All of this stuff can feel very clouded and very, very difficult to decipher when we are just constantly working. We are working, working, working. We don't have time to listen to our intuition. We are women in a man's world. We are women in a man's world, like women in a man's world, like fucking accurate as fuck saying because we are not biologically designed to work nine to five. And that's without taking into consideration your birth chart and your human design chart, all of that stuff. I'm not an expert in that, but I know, like I know a little bit, that I'm a projector. So my prime time is to work four hours a day and then to rest, and you know what I feel it.

Speaker 2:

I've. I've always felt like this and I always thought something was wrong with me. And then my human design like gives me a get out of jail free card. Be like girl, you were not meant to be like this. And I'm like, okay, okay, okay, um, love that, um, so love that for me. Just give me my my get out of jail free card. Give me my justification why I'm a lazy bitch, I'm joking, I'm really joking, um, but literally I I will optimally work for four hours straight and I'll crash and I'll be like, right, I need sugar and a cup and a coffee and a lie down. So where am I going with all of this? Oh, I don't even know. I just literally sat down, just fucking talk today, like, so you're just getting everything. You're just getting my brain download of the really key things that I've learned in the last couple of months. But yeah, I'm coming back to do you know who you are?

Speaker 2:

Do you know your core values? Do your values align with your life? Do you spend money in alignment with your core values, like if your value is to be like part of your community? Are you just, are you investing money in that? Are you going out and are you spending on events that you can connect with other people? If it's to be of service, are you investing money to hone your skills, to advertise your services, whatever it is? If it's to be honest, are you spending money to make sure that you are showing up honestly for yourself and not just spending money to go along with what everybody else wants to like? How you spend your money in line with your core values is absolutely huge. How you conduct yourself with your core values and I see this a lot I work with a lot of clients who say to me Kirsty, I don't really love my job because it makes me feel a type of way and I'm like talk to me about it, babe.

Speaker 2:

What does that mean for you? Well, like I go to work and I don't feel great. Okay, what does that mean? Like let's get into it. And then it's because they have to do things in their daily life that don't align with their values.

Speaker 2:

Perfect example was that in work recently I was speaking to somebody and I was like, hey, like why? Like what's going on? We were in a practitioner's network and I was saying, like you know, we're talking about core values. Moral injury I'll talk about what moral injury is in a second. But like this woman was like, hey, like I, I'm, I'm the front door and people come to me and they request grant money and a lot of the time I can't award that money and it makes me feel really down and it makes me feel really sad and it makes me feel like I'm not helping people and I was like shit. Like one, thanks for being so vulnerable. Two, that's amazing that you can recognize that. And three, you are not living in alignment to your core values, which is making your job very difficult for you, because you want to be of service, you want to help people, you want to uplift people yeah, but you can't do that when you're constantly saying no to grant applications.

Speaker 2:

So for me, this woman like her like she, because her core values were not matching with her work environment this is creating anxiety, it's creating depression, it's creating dread when she comes to work. It's showing up in how she shows up in her relationships, where she's snappy to her partner, where she's struggling to make sense of anything, where she feels really like apathetic about everything and she just yeah, she kind of lost the drive for her job and I was like, look, this is what moral injury looks like because you are living in alignment with your, with your you and your core values in other places, but in your job you're not. So we looked at other ways that we could do like do this for her into changing her perspective, into understanding that it is a process, it's not a personal thing, because she feels like she's the person saying no yeah, when actually it's the organization saying no. So this was a really, really good example to to work through that and to understand that, yeah, this is, this is moral injury, but this is how we can address it, change our perspective and move forward so you can be more in a line with your, with your core values, and you know, if then you feel like the job still isn't for you, it's not for you.

Speaker 2:

So kudos to this woman for knowing her core values, because that's absolutely key. And if you've not checked out, like my unlocking paramour masterclass well, where were you, hon? Because we did all about core values then because this is where this is your core, this is who you are, and if you don't know them, you don't know who you are and that's, that's it, period. So if you don't know that, so you don't know your core values, then you don't know what your vision is, you don't know what your why is like. This is your, this is your soul mapping, this is your absolute fucking soul mapping. If you don't know this, how are you ever going to be in alignment, how are you ever going to be happy, how are you ever going to know exactly what is going to make you happy? So you don't have to be the maximizer in any area of your life, always, constantly striving for more or for better. Also, when we do that, there's also this other side of inner child healing, where maybe we continuously push ourselves because we feel like we're not good enough where we are, and that's that's a whole other ball game. I'm not going to get into that right now because, yeah, we'll be here for days, for days, for days.

Speaker 2:

I wanted this episode to be short, sharp, snappy, for you to take some real fucking golden nuggets out of this around relationships and business or even workplace. And if you are like fuck, yeah, like this is all making sense to me, like let me know, like don't let this be a one sided relationship, babe, like slide in my DMs, I want to know if I said something today that has lit a fire in you. That's gone shit. Actually, that really makes sense to me, or I understand. But what I am going to finish off with is a few practical steps that you can do to kind of connect to who you are and to your intuition. Because a few practical steps that you can do to kind of connect to who you are and to your intuition, because these are absolutely key things that we just don't get told about or reminded to do.

Speaker 2:

So, to connect to yourself, work out what your core values are. You can come to me. We can work out your core values together in a soul mapping session, which is, yeah, literally just kind of came to mind. That's something I really want to deliver. So soul mapping is going to be that love that anyway. Um, so, yeah, in a soul mapping session we'll be able to do that. So message me about soul mapping if that's what you want to do. We'll go through your core values, your vision and your why and the next steps for you. That's, yeah, amazing, absolutely love that.

Speaker 2:

And then, yeah, I would absolutely love, um, for you to take time out of your day. You are the most important person in this fucking life if you do not put your oxygen mask on first. Guess what? You're gonna die, bitch, you're gonna die. Okay, go put your own oxygen mask on first before you help other people. That's how it works. If you can't breathe, you can't see, you can't do anything, you black out. That's what happens when you don't breathe you black out or you die.

Speaker 2:

Dramatic, I know she is dramatic she's come back to this podcast a sassy little sass part, I know but literally, if you don't put your oxygen mask on, you're gonna fucking die. So dramatic is anything but put your own oxygen mask on? You're gonna fucking die so dramatic as anything but put your own oxygen mask on first. Are you really carving time out for yourself in the day? It doesn't have to be a fucking 12 hour a day meditation, okay, it's literally. Can you have five minutes alone with your coffee in the morning? Can you just get out on a walk at lunchtime and just get into nature and just allow yourself to just be, to just be open to the surroundings around you? And then literally, babe, like, create this time for yourself like it's fucking life or death. Create it like it's a fucking appointment. You wouldn't miss a doctor's appointment. So why are you missing this appointment with yourself. Do not do it. This is your kick up the ass, to be like.

Speaker 2:

If you want things to change, if you want to get motivated, if you want to become back into alignment, if you want to listen to what your intuition is trying to tell you, you have to be quiet enough to listen to it, because your intuition is your best friend, yeah. And if you're like, oh, I don't really feel anything in my intuition, well, guess what? Your intuition is your best friend. And if you ignore your best friend, she's gonna go away. She's gonna be like, well, fuck this, then I'm off. So you need to create space and quiet for that to happen.

Speaker 2:

If you are in a more flexible lifestyle and you can make time to meditate, that's great. Or just listen to affirmations, or just go for a longer walk. Get yourself in nature, get your feet in the grass, get your feet in the sand, get your feet in anywhere. That's nature. Get yourself grounded, get yourself into those spiritual practices. And if you need spiritual practice guidance, then come over to my membership, because it is fucking bursting with ideas for you to be able to master spirituality and to get more in touch with yourself. So what else I'm going to say so.

Speaker 2:

We said about core values. You need to know who you are. Where are these not showing up in your life? We have talked about getting quiet so you can listen to your intuition and get in touch with your vision. What is that future version of yourself? Do you know what she looks like? Do you know what she feels like? Do you know what's going to be really important for you and why do you want to be like that? Your why will always be the thing that you're motivated to do so.

Speaker 2:

If you want to head to the gym and you're like I just want to lose weight, well, why? Oh, because I want to lose weight, I want to feel better. Well, that isn't strong enough. Why, when it's six o'clock in winter, in the morning it's fucking pissing with rain and it's dark and it's dingy. That ain't gonna be a strong enough why to get out the bed, is it? No? The why? What? Like? I want to be healthier for my children, so that I can live longer, so I can enjoy life more, so I can be more physically active and do things I never thought I could. That's a really fucking strong why.

Speaker 2:

So get specific on your why. Specific, oh, here we go, can't say this word specificity. Basically, get specific. I can't fucking say that word my tongue, just don't do it. Anyway, I'm gonna stop here. I'm gonna say get specific on your future vision, know your core values and create time for quiet. This is absolutely what I need you to do.

Speaker 2:

And if you've taken any golden nuggets away from this, if you're like shit, chrissy, that that hit like a, you know that slapped, that was like yes, girl, I know that that came from nowhere and it absolutely hit me. So I would absolutely love to hear from you like don't let this be a one-sided relationship. You know, don't stalk me and then don't come, you know, and then just like know all about me and then don't speak to me. I don't like it. I don't like it. So, yeah, just message me, get in my dms on instagram, send me an email. I fucking love to hear from people and all my social bits are below. So, yeah, do follow.

Speaker 2:

If you can hit the subscribe button, tap that download button, literally. It does so much for me, not just for my ego, but just just joking. Just joking, but just for like my ratings for being seen, all of that type of stuff. So, yeah, subscribe, leave a review. Do whatever you want. Just you know, do it with your full chest and I'm happy and I'm gonna leave it there. I'm gonna actually leave it there now and send you loads of fucking love. This episode was quite hard hitting. It was very like calling people out, but it's because I love you and I want the best for you and if you need anything, just come chat to me. Let's have a chat, sending you loads of love. See you later.