Unmasking Narcissistic Mothers: Understanding What One is, The Signs, Effects and How to Heal.

Do you truly know what narcissism looks like in a mother? It’s time to uncover the stark realities behind this personality disorder. In today’s episode, we dissect the traits of narcissistic mothers and dispel the myth that narcissism is predominantly a male issue. By understanding behaviors like manipulation, gaslighting, and extreme self-centeredness, we aim to provide clarity and validation for those who’ve been affected. We delve into real-life stories that illustrate the challenging dynamics between narcissistic mothers and their children, highlighting the importance of recognizing these toxic behaviors.

Realizing that a mother's abusive actions are not a reflection of a child’s worth can be a powerful and transformative realization. We discuss the emotional toll and the difficult decisions sometimes necessary to protect one's well-being, including severing ties with toxic family members. For business owners, prioritizing mental health is crucial for sustained success. We offer practical tools to recognize and counteract manipulative tactics like guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail, ensuring listeners can reclaim their sense of self-worth and autonomy.

Healing from the trauma inflicted by a narcissistic mother is a journey, one that often involves overcoming chronic people-pleasing, boundary issues, and deep-seated guilt and shame. This episode addresses how these experiences impact personal and professional relationships, particularly trust and fear of abandonment. We also explore the concept of parentification and its long-term effects on development. Closing on a compassionate note, we offer support and resources for those in need, reminding everyone that they are not alone on this path to recovery and empowerment. Join us as we offer hope, healing, and a community for those affected by narcissistic relationships.

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Narcissist Mothers
• 10:28 Overcoming Narcissistic Manipulations and Guilt
• 14:03 Navigating Narcissistic Mother Relationships
• 18:49 Healing From Narcissistic Mother Relationships
• 28:05 Offering Support and Love

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello and welcome back. Today we are talking all around narcissist mothers. Now, we are not talking about that bullshit oh my god, he's such a narcissist bullshit that we see online. We are talking about an actual, like personality disorder, which is narcissism. Okay, so I'm going to start with an overview of what narcissism is and then we're going to talk about how this can show up in your mother, because often you do hear the word narcissism or narcissists associated with men.

Speaker 1: 0:33

I think, like in, research shows that most of the top CEOs or politicians are actually, um, yeah, they are very much embodying the narcissistic traits. So it does make me laugh when women are like, oh, I want a, I want a CEO man earning all this money, and I'm like, yeah, there's a very good chance that he's a narcissist. So like, re-evaluate your choices, girls, re-evaluate your choices. But today we're gonna be talking and focusing on the mother, not relationships. So, not relationships. So let's talk about what narcissism is, okay. So basically, it's somebody who manipulates and distorts events, stories, and they will change stuff to fit their own reality, which is a self-centered narrative, okay, so what does that mean? The world literally revolves around them, okay, and they will? Will manipulate, they will gaslight. They will distort everything that they possibly can in order to make it fit their narrative that they are superior. Okay, so they always want to put themselves forward in the in a positive light, if it's even if it's at the expense of others, and that can include their children, okay. So some key characteristics to be aware of is they will often control the story, they will dominate conversations and manipulate storylines and they will gaslight you into thinking, like of a different version of events, which will always put them in a positive light. So you will often see this in romantic relationships, but also with your parents as well. Like, say, if you recall a difficult memory where you're calling your mama on a on a difficult, on like on her behavior, she will gaslight you and manipulate you to be like no, that never happened or it was all your fault. Okay, so they may also exaggerate, they may twist their details again it's all to fit in the narrative.

Speaker 1: 2:20

All right, you need to look at like a narcissist. Like a narcissist person as, like the person in the middle. Everything else floats around them, but their focus is literally being in the middle. They are self-serving. Their primary goal is to protect or elevate their image, because status is super important to them. Okay, they want to be seen as superior in any way shape form, if that's in the family hierarchy or even at work, okay, they will often fall into victimhood as well. So they may be like, oh, I'm such a victim in this because you are such a horrible person, or I'm always the victim and never actually take responsibility for their actions.

Speaker 1: 3:00

Something to know about a narcissist is that they're not necessarily insecure, but they crave validation. Okay, they will always want to gain praise. They'll always want admiration. They want sympathy from others. If they're not receiving attention, they will literally exaggerate or fabricate details to regain the spotlight. Okay. So and newsflash, if you think you're a narcissist, you're probably not a narcissist. Okay, but you probably have been around other narcissist people that have made you feel that way, because they're very good at being defensive and blame shifting, so they never take responsibility for their actions in any way, shape or form. They will often include like accuse other people of misunderstanding, overreacting or even being the source of the problem. Okay, they have inconsistent stories as well, because they are prone to lying. Um, they will minimize and dismiss your perspective. And look, don't get me wrong.

Speaker 1: 3:57

Narcissism is a spectrum. Okay, like, I think that we live in a society where, like you have to tick all of the boxes. There's a bit like autism. Autism is a spectrum, right, adhd is a spectrum, narcissism is a spectrum personality disorder these are all spectrums, okay, so it's not like you have to tick these boxes. We are all sit on this stage of, like you know, inhabiting some narcissistic tricks because, for example, you know, we might feel like we get really defensive and blame shifting because we feel really frightened because of our inner child doesn't want to take responsibility and be punished. So you have to look at these in the context in which they're given and in which they're behaving okay, and often they will have massive, um, like massive signs that they are narcissists.

Speaker 1: 4:46

So let's talk about what it's like for a mother to be a narcissist because, like, this is not something I see a lot of people talk about. I see a lot of people talk about narcissistic parents or maybe dad, but not really mum. So, yeah, it is a personality disorder. Okay, narcissism is a personality disorder and that means that their brain totally doesn't. It's. Their brain operates in a very, very different ways where you cannot take the blame or the brunt for their behavior. Okay, and it's going to be so hard because your mum would have been your universe for the first formative years of your life and then play an instrumental role in your life. Okay, I'm not everybody's relationship with their mum is easy by any means. But what's really important is to acknowledge when this person could literally be a diagnosed narcissistic person.

Speaker 1: 5:36

Guess what? A narcissist isn't going to go to the doctor. They're not going to go to the doctor and be like, hey, I am a narcissist or I have a personality disorder or my behavior is wrong, because they will fundamentally believe to their core that there is nothing wrong with them and often the damage, like the damage is a lot that they can cause. Um, especially like when you think, like I just said, your child as a child, your mom is your universe, okay, so how this can show up, so lack of empathy. So she'll be really hot. So she'll really struggle to understand or care about your you know your emotional needs. She'll be really dismissive of your feelings and primarily focus on her own. You know this is where she will just kind of go oh, stop being silly, shut you down. She may even seem really disinterested in the things that are important to you all of this stuff, like when you're growing up, and there's just no emotional support there. This could be a sign because of the lack of empathy. Literally, it's because she doesn't care, but it's not because she doesn't care about you. It's because she doesn't care about anyone else, like she doesn't care about anybody else. Like, and that's what you have to understand. It's not personal with a narcissist, because it's never you, it's never you. That's the problem. It's them and their personality disorder. Their brain is set up in a way where they just literally lack empathy.

Speaker 1: 6:55

Okay, narcissistic mothers may have excessive control, so they want to control every aspect of your life, from your emotions, telling you what's okay, what's not okay, um, and they will do anything they can to make it difficult for you to develop autonomy. What does that mean? It means that they will do anything they can for you to become codependent on them. Because what does that mean? It means that they control you. They are the superior one, they are the dominant person in the relationship. Okay, so this is really hard when you're trying to navigate this as a fucking child. Okay, you're trying to like, weave through all of these different emotions. You're trying to develop, you're trying to understand. And then your parent is constantly undermining you and controlling every decision that you make. So then that makes it really hard then, as you grow up, to make decisions, to know if things are right.

Speaker 1: 7:45

You may even still hold on very tightly to like the rules or the values that your mum instilled in you, which means that you won't go do fun things right. You will always go. Oh well, I'm not going to do that because of X, y, z, because my mum told me, like when I was younger, that I shouldn't travel the world because it's really fucking dangerous and I don't have the money to do it. Like it can really show up in every aspect of your life. So how is this showing up in your business? Excessive control, you feel absolutely paralysed in your business. It's hard to make decisions. You are absolutely petrified of, like making a mistake Because, yeah, you haven't got like that sense or that confidence to be able to go. If I make a mistake, it's fine.

Speaker 1: 8:26

Another thing that a narcissist mother will do will have a need for attention. So she will often want to have admiration, she'll want to be validated, you know, often at the expense of her child, so like she may use her child to boost her own self-esteem. So taking credit for your achievements and disregard their needs, so like a real care. Example is being like your mum will never actually say to you how fucking lush that you are and how amazing and how proud she is of you, but she will brag about you to her friends and she will be like oh well, my daughter did this, how amazing. But actually she doesn't know you. She doesn't know how you feel, but actually she doesn't know you. She doesn't know how you feel. She doesn't understand anything about you or who you are as a person. She's always told you to just fucking get on with it, because she wanted something to have attention for, okay, and get the validation. For if my daughter is doing amazing or she's having fun or like we have this external persona, that everything is perfect, then that's something she gets to brag about to her friends. That's something where she gets the admiration from others. That's where she gets her validation right. And in the meantime, you have to understand that narcissists use up everybody around them until they can't anymore and then they move on. That includes their children, okay.

Speaker 1: 9:37

This is a really serious mental health disorder. This is why when I see it bounded around on social media oh, such a narcissist, not such a narcissist. Yeah, we're all on a spectrum, right, but narcissistic parents are fucking dangerous, like really fucking dangerous. And you will find that you, if you're one of siblings, like you will notice that, if you are listening to this and you are having this realization and you've been kind of realizing, hey, I've been the odd one out all the time, I've never really felt love for my mum, I really really struggle with X, y, z then you might have a narcissistic mother and your siblings may have continued with the narcissistic behaviour, but you haven't. So I've worked with multiple women with narcissistic parents and it was like clear as day to me, but for them it was like a fucking revelation.

Speaker 1: 10:28

And one of the biggest things that one of my clients said to me was that like once she realized it wasn't her fault, like her way, the way that her mum behaved like this was such a game changer for her, like she was able to just really realize, like it wasn't her fault, like nothing has actually been her fault and I'm it doesn't matter what she was going to do, nothing was ever going to be good enough for her, but that wasn't a reflection of her and her worth. It was a reflection of how her mother is the center of her entire existence, is the center of the universe and everything else is there to serve her. So when we made that realization, like the client literally changed overnight, like she. Once we made that realization, we had like a bit of a coping plan of how to deal with her, how to navigate the relationship, and she let go of so much guilt, shame, so much stuff, so much worry and yeah, it was just absolutely incredible, incredible for that. So, yeah, it was, yeah, it was a really beautiful experience, that experience.

Speaker 1: 11:25

But I've also worked with other, like other people where, like they knew their, their mum was a narcissist and they've completely cut them out of their lives and like there's that option as well, right, and sometimes we have this sort of thing where we're like, well, she's my mother, I should, I should invest, right, but I am honestly, I'm one of these people who are gonna just say it like and I know it sounds really harsh but you, it's up to you, you are an adult, you can do whatever you like. You have no obligation to maintain any relationship in your life if that's with your parents, with your blood, family, with your friends, with your partner. You have no obligation and, no, you don't owe anybody anything. Okay, your job in this lifetime is to prioritize your well-being. And now I cannot talk to you enough about how important it is to prioritize your well-being. And now I cannot talk to you enough about how important it is to prioritize your well-being, especially if you're a fucking business owner.

Speaker 1: 12:13

I recently read a study which said um, there there was like two cohorts of of uh, female no, it wasn't females, just entrepreneurs. It was entrepreneurs, men and women and one group prioritized their well-being and the others didn't. And after 12 months, the ones that didn't actually fucking their business failed, like they ended up being burnt out and quit their business, whilst the others were flourishing, really taking care of themselves. And I'm going to be honest, guys, like I've seen this in my life as well. When I've really started to take care of me, my mental health, my wellbeing, my body then my business actually blew up overnight because I was like shit, okay, because I've done this, I'm embodying the work that I say to my clients, which I like. I've always what I've always like done it, but it's never been consistent. But when I started to be consistent about it. I started to see rapid success and in the meantime, my nervous system was able to handle it. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, that is another conversation for another day, so I want to talk more about this, okay, so let's go back to talking about narcissistic mothers.

Speaker 1: 13:16

So, manipulation and guilt tripping is just in the toolbox of a of a narcissist mother, okay, um, they will often use manipulation, guilt or what, what have I done for you? Look at all this stuff I've done for you and this is how you treat me. Well, if you love me, you would do this. They would use emotional blackmail and it's all to maintain control over their children, okay. And also, they will often push the responsibility onto you for making them feel happy or their well-being. So, oh, I need you to take me to the doctors because nobody else can do it. You're supposed to be my daughter, you're supposed to help me with this, like all of this shit, right, you're supposed like that's, that's it, like that's it. They will often be like oh, you know, if you do this for me, I will do that for you.

Speaker 1: 14:03

Like a narcissist never really gives anything away for free, right, there's always, there's always a string attached, so there will be emotional distance. So when you're craving that close, loving relationship with mom, they just don't have the emotional bandwidth to do that. Again, it's absolutely nothing wrong with you, babe, there's nothing wrong with you, it's all wrong with them. They just do not have, like, the brain function in order to have those emotions and to be close and loving and intimate with their children. You know, they will often become very jealous of you as well and may even go into competition with you. So when you're like, oh, I'm doing blah, blah, blah, oh, I don't know, I'm going here on holiday, oh well, I'm going here on holiday, oh well, I've been there before and it wasn't that good, or just jealous, like you know. So they may belittle you again.

Speaker 1: 14:51

It's always this sense of superiority, it's always this sense of positioning themselves in the, in the position of superiority, and what you can find is that, like your brothers or sisters, who are still narcissistic, who are like exhibiting narcissistic traits, will also compete with mum, right, they'll compete to be the superior one and actually be quite horrible to one another. And you might think that this is really fucking weird, like real fucking weird. Do you know what I mean? So, yeah, another thing to be considerate of is conditional love. So love and approval from a narcissist mother are often conditional. Unfortunately, this like and it's not the your parent grew up with, with their own trauma, so they didn't have the emotional capacity to give you like unconditional love because they just they were dealing with their own shit at the same time.

Speaker 1: 15:41

It's more conditional as in like you have to like perform in a specific way to earn their mother's affection. So that might be, um, like something about where you need to basically oh, I don't know you need to perform in a certain way, you need to get certain grades at school, you need to earn a certain job, you need to earn a certain salary. All this stuff is the only way to gain access to love, which creates immense pressure on the person. So if you grew up with a narcissist mother, what does that actually mean for you? It means low self-esteem and confidence.

Speaker 1: 16:16

Obviously, like if your mum is constantly criticizing you, gaslighting you, manipulating you, you're gonna have like very limited belief in yourself. You're gonna believe that things are never good enough, no matter how hard try and that's what I said to you before it will never be good enough for a narcissist, because they literally do not have the ability to admit that something that you've done is absolutely incredible, okay. And this can be really painful, especially in a mother-daughter relationship, like it can be very, very painful to see like your mum is that is not your supporter. And you may look at other relationships with mothers and daughters and be very jealous, like straight up. When I used to work in the women's prison, I used to feel really jealous of my boss and her daughter because they had a very connected and loving relationship. My, my mum, is not a narcissist, but we had difficulties in our relationship, especially when I was in my early twenties, like late teens, early twenties, um, but because I was dealing with grief of my nan passing away, right. So I so, yeah, my mum is not a narcissist, but what I'm saying is like when you don't feel good enough, when there's low self-esteem, when there's low confidence, this is the one of the effects of a narcissist parent. Okay, but there can be other root causes as well. So let's not get caught up in thinking that our mums are all fucking narcissists. Now again, you have to take this in the context of your situation.

Speaker 1: 17:42

This is a really broad topic with broad effects which can stem from other things as well, which, if you wanted to dive in deeper, then I have something brand new coming um, which will be absolutely amazing for people. My reborn mentorship is currently open as well. So if you're like, I really want to heal my inner child, I want to get connected, I want to heal my mother wound, my father wound, I want to have better relationships in my life, I want to run a better business, whatever it is, my six months mentorship is now open and not only do you just get like the mentorship, you get all of the healing, you get your archive of meditations and like also like so much stuff. Um, just search reborn and yeah, I'll actually put the link below. I'll actually put the link below because you know, yeah, let's make life easy. Um, okay, so back to the narcissist mother, because you know, your girl keeps getting distracted. I just feel like really energized this morning. It's actually the morning of my friend's wedding, so I'm like really excited and I'm trying to like record this like really serious podcast, but I really felt inspired to sit down and talk about it. So this, this is why.

Speaker 1: 18:49

So another effect on the children of a narcissist parent is people pleasing and boundary issues. Mum will walk all over you. You will have chronic people pleasing. You will struggle to set boundaries. You will advocate. You will never advocate for yourself and this is because of fear of rejection or conflict. Anytime that you would ever try to do this before in terms of setting boundaries, would it be met with manipulation, gaslighting, all of that type of stuff. So why would you do it? Like it just becomes really unsafe in your body to do that. You'll have difficulties in relationships romantic and especially relationships with other women. I wish more people actually talked about how the mother wound affects your relationship with other women. You may actually really bond really well with other women because you're searching for the mother that you never had. Hello, that's me.

Speaker 1: 19:35

Type two is that you struggle with relationships and you struggle to keep maintaining those friendships with other women because there's like trust issues, there's fear of abandonment, there's difficulty forming healthy relationships and this can all come from the dynamics with your narcissistic mother. Don't forget, when we look at attachment theory and attachment type, our mother will form the attachment that we have with women and with our mother. So when we have problems there, we have problems in other parts of our life and often in our relationships as well in our romantic relationships. So imagine if you struggle to have friendships, you struggle to maintain romantic relationships. How is that going to show up in your business and in your work life? You're literally not going to do anything. You're literally going to be completely frozen in those relationships. You're never going to go for the big salaries. You're never gonna like really launch the business to the full potential that it could be all because there's trust issues for abandonment, for your rejection, difficulty forming healthy relationships with those people who can collab with you or, you know, can introduce you on networking and things like that. You know you may find other women a threat. You may feel like women are more judgmental than men. Like there's so many narratives to this story as well.

Speaker 1: 20:50

Okay, there will be emotional confusion. Confusion like one minute your mom loves you, the next minute she doesn't. Um, and it's because she's like, yeah, she's just focusing on herself and what she wants. She doesn't really care about what you want, and I know that sounds so harsh to hear, but it's absolutely true. Like she will always come back to her. She'll always want everything to come back to her in any way, shape or form. So that manipulation means like shifting the demands, like of her um onto herself and onto you to be able to make her happy, because then, yeah, you'll be able to make her happy. Her sense of validation is stored, but the emotional confusion means that you'll probably really struggle to read people.

Speaker 1: 21:30

You'll often think that people don't like you when there's no reason. When that person texts it like, doesn't text you back, or you don't get that email back from that person that you emailed like a day ago, you're gonna be like why, oh my god, why they do that? They obviously fucking hate me they. Oh, my idea was stupid. And you go into this spiral of loads of self-doubt.

Speaker 1: 21:49

Okay, um, there is guilt and shame. Okay, the narcissist mother will make you feel guilty for pursuing your independence. Oh, you want to travel the world, you want to have a great job, you want to do all these things? No fucking chance, my god, because you need to fucking be here and you need to take care of me. And the guilt will linger into adulthood as well, which will make it hard for the child to break free from her mother's influence, which was exactly what happened with one of my clients. Like she felt this obligation to see her a certain amount of times a week she felt like she had to do a certain like certain number of phone calls, all of this stuff, and if she didn't, then she would feel like really guilty. And then when we realized, oh, she's narcissists, then we absolutely shifted that perspective and now she no longer feels guilty and the boundaries are on her terms and, yeah, she's no longer giving her mum stuff that can be used against her, because that's exactly what the narcissists do they will store the information and then they will use it against you later, later.

Speaker 1: 22:45

Um, the parentification okay, this is something that happens a lot and this is where you are forced at very young age to give emotional support to your mom, okay, so this is where you become the parent in the relationship and you often grow up too soon. You often grow up where you have to maybe take care of your siblings and your mother and meet her emotional needs, which is a big fucking job. When you're a child with not a fully logical brain yet and you're in your own development, it can really really impact and shape things. So, yeah, it's a thing, it's a huge fucking thing, it's a huge thing, it's a dangerous thing, it's a really big fucking thing.

Speaker 1: 23:22

And if you think, like your mum could be a narcissist, literally research it, like research it. You know your situation more than anybody. You're welcome to talk to me, but I am not a trained doctor. This is basically stuff that, like, I'm not a trained psychologist. I have like experience in CBT, counselling, things like that, but I'm not a trained psychologist. But this is the experience I've seen with clients and through the research that I've read. Okay, this is also through numerous, like working with hundreds, well, thousands, of clients over the years 12 years in the criminal justice system.

Speaker 1: 23:54

There were a couple of narcissist people there, although they were walking around like fucking everywhere, um, and narcissist women, and they was often shaped because of like chronic abuse in their childhood. So you know, narcissists are not all bad. Well, they are. Their behaviors are bad, but often the root of it is like significant emotional trauma. Um, I remember when speaking to somebody like and they were a psychiatrist on the personality disorder wing which was in the prison I was worked in, and often they said like personality disorder meant that the person I was worked in and often they said like personality disorder meant that the person was broken in childhood and that's why their personality split and or they had like personality disorder or the personality fractured, um. So it's a really big and serious thing and, like I said, a narcissist isn't going to go to the doctor and be like, hey, I think I'm a narcissist, okay, so it's your job in order to do the healing work, so you can protect yourself.

Speaker 1: 24:48

Okay, this is what I do with all my clients and this is what I'm going to be doing in my new, uh, mini mind that is coming out. I don't know if it'll be out by. If I would have announced it by now, by the time this podcast comes out. But if it is, but if I haven't, you're the first to know. If I have, then, yeah, message me about it, because we will be talking all about the narcissist mother as part of the mini mind.

Speaker 1: 25:09

And, yeah, when we're talking about healing from the narcissist mother, it really does involve certain boundaries and that's really fucking hard to do when you're having to navigate this relationship. This is why, like I always say, it's always good to work with somebody. Like I work with a mentor and I, well, I work with two mentors right now, um well, a mentor and a coach, and I have my own healing, I have my own. I even have my own tarot reader because I don't trust myself to read my own tarot. But I actually outsource support with my inner child stuff because you're managing your conscious and your subconscious mind.

Speaker 1: 25:42

But also narcissists are very, very clever, manipulating things and putting it back on you. So every time you try to set a boundary, they're going to flip it around. They're going to put it back on you for being a problem, because how dare you ever highlight that they had really damaging or disrespectful behavior towards you? Right, and you know you have to understand and process the trauma. Okay, you have to understand that what you went through wasn't a typically normal experience and that you are allowed to have love which is unconditional. You want to develop the self-compassion I would say like come work with me. We can talk about childhood trauma.

Speaker 1: 26:19

This is absolutely a critical tool in the healing journey. You can do stuff like start to examine your mother wounds, um, through my inner child connection bundle, if you would like, link below um. But yeah, I think there's nothing that beats it then working with somebody and being able to have an outsider's perspective of, like, what's normal, what isn't um, and when you're having that other person, they get to validate your experiences and your emotions and you can then start the separation from your mother's influence to build healthier and supportive relationships, whether it's romantic with your mum, in your business, wherever, like the mother wound will affect every part of your life. It's not like every time you step into the office or open your laptop that, um, like the narcissistic abuse or, like you know fracture that you've experienced will just go away. Um, so it can be really really challenging to navigate by yourself. So even if that's not me, I don't care, just go do the healing like I just want I want people to heal.

Speaker 1: 27:22

So that was a very like, like brief overview of a narcissist and narcissistic parent. Like, as a disclaimer, like I've mentioned it multiple times throughout, these things can also stem from other things, but what you will find is that if your mom is a textbook narcissist, she will have all of these things. She'll have all of these things and probably more, but I don't want to overwhelm you because today was a lot um, if you do think you have a narcissist parent, like, reach out for support, like there is support out there, you can 100% heal from this. I've worked with multiple clients who have healed from a narcissistic parent. Okay, so this isn't a you thing, it's a them thing and it's time to make that separation in the mother wound.

Speaker 1: 28:05

And yeah, I'm gonna leave it there for today because, wow, like that was a really heavy, heavy episode. And yeah, I'm just sending you tons of freaking love and if this is you, I'm really sorry. And yeah, just sending you loads and loads of love. If you need any support, you know where I am. Check out my links below and I will see you next Monday.