Why I Ended My Most Loving And Secure Relationship...

Have you ever stayed in a relationship because it seemed perfect on the surface, even when your intuition whispered otherwise? Join me on an emotional journey as I share the story of ending a seemingly ideal relationship that began in Africa, intertwined with moments of joy and spiritual awakening. This episode reveals how navigating astrological chaos, job loss, and profound personal challenges led me to a transformative realization. A message from my spirit guide, coupled with ancestral influences and a pivotal trip to Bali, sparked a significant shift, urging me to embrace a new path aligned with my true self.

We'll delve into the transformative power of self-love, boundaries, and understanding emotional waves as an "emotional projector" in human design. Discover how breaking free from toxic patterns and embracing both light and dark traits can lead to radical self-acceptance. Together, we'll explore the emotion of jealousy, not as a source of bitterness, but as a catalyst for personal growth and self-celebration. As we look towards the new year, let's empower ourselves, take up space in the world, and honor our unique journeys with authenticity and courage.

Chapters

• 0:00 Empowering Relationships
• 13:00 Embracing Self-Love and Boundaries
• 16:11 Embracing Jealousy and Self-Acceptance

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome my angels. Oh, my god, it feels so nice to be in my little podcast studio, aka my desk and my sticky notes and my shit that's all around me. That makes me feel really good when I'm talking about my podcast topics. Now today we can personal baby. So come in a little closer. I'm joking, as you can tell. I'm feeling incredibly playful right now.

Speaker 1: 0:27

So today we are going to be talking about why, basically, I dumped my most secure and loving boyfriend that I've ever had. And I know from the jump you're going to be like Kirsty, like what the fuck? But I promise along the way you will understand why and hopefully find the empowerment that you need in this episode to think about how you can empower yourself in your relationships and use your voice. So there's method in the madness, babe. If you're one of my clients, if you've been one of my clients, you know there's method in the madness. So strap on in and let's get to it. So strap on in and let's get to it.

Speaker 1: 1:08

So there's a couple of things I want to start off by saying, which is basically we met on a date in Africa where we met, there was like instant chemistry and connection and we had great conversation and we were able to talk very talk, that talk very openly. I've been watching a lot of British men, sorry talk very openly about our feelings and how we feel together and it was really lush and we had, like this, really deep and intense connection. And you know, when you're like Kirsty, we've been down this road before, honey, we've been down this road before. Anyway, we carried on getting to know each other. Before we knew it, we were in a relationship. I'm feeling very loved. Held. He was so supportive and he was really really lovely and he was very loving, kind, caring, thoughtful a gentleman. He would open the door for me and it was all going really well.

Speaker 1: 2:06

Then, of course, I go to Bali and if you have not listened to my Bali episode, go back and listen to it, because you will understand the absolute shit show that I went through. Okay, so not only not only have we got the astrological chaos, we have got coming back from Bali being told I'd be made redundant from my day job, the upcoming of, like my baby loss and just like lots of my one to one clients coming to an end, like it was all like a thing, like it felt like a cauldron of things. And when I came back from the UK, like I had a message from my spirit guide that literally said nothing will ever be the same. And when you hear that from your spirit guide, you literally grab onto your big girl pants and hold on for dear fucking life. Now, this relationship, I knew this relationship was never going to be the one I knew from the jump, and I probably sound really horrible saying that, but I knew it, I knew, but there was a part of me that wanted to explore this. Right, because when you're dating and you're entering into relationships, not every relationship has to be the one that you get married and you have kids with. They are sent to you for a reason.

Speaker 1: 3:17

And now I'm starting to realize, or rather take notice of, that I am quite a beacon of light. Okay, and I'm not saying that because I'm bubbly or whatever. I'm talking about spiritually and I think what is so? This is probably the third time this has happened, that ancestors have drawn their you know, somebody in their lineage to me for me to give them a message. So when I first this guy, his grandmother, kept coming to me and being like hey, I'm really, really sorry, I'm really sorry. And she kept showing me like this wooden bowl with a big spoon with loads of flowers, and she kept like stirring it, being like I'm so sorry and I felt like she had sacrificed something to have more power or to receive something in her lifetime, right, anyway, he was like I don't know what you're talking about. He was open spiritually, but like he didn't know much about spiritual stuff and he didn't know much about outside the family. So I'm like cool, whatever. Anyway, it just didn't go away and I was like this is the thing that he's been brought to me for like, this is it?

Speaker 1: 4:20

And as time went on, I kind of forgot. I kind of forgot. I got wrapped up in the relationship, having fun, being playful, doing adventures which I had so much fun doing, like I feel like the experience was super, super fun and for a period of time, I was like just feeling very loved, very safe, very secure in where I was. And then, when I got from back from, it was like if you're into the tarot, you know what I mean when I say you're experiencing a tower moment. Okay, and this is the foundation of your life being shaken. It is like an earthquake and what is built to last literally crumbles. Okay, the tower moments test us and they reveal anything that's misaligned, poorly constructed, no longer serving us. It literally rips it all down so we can rebuild stronger foundations right and own stronger structures in the different areas of our life. So naturally, this kind of came to a crumble because of a number of reasons.

Speaker 1: 5:21

Now, we also had the ancestral influence right brought me for a reason, but you know, bali was a shit show. I came back things I didn't feel the same. I categorically did not feel the same. I was having like very interesting downloads. I was having lightning speed downloads. So normally when I have a download, I have like a thought emerge in my mind and I can feel it come into the front, like, and then I can see it, hear it, feel it, whatever it is. But with this stuff it was like lightning. It was like boom there right in front of my face, over and over. And, yeah, the energy shift massively impacted my relationships like, and especially with him.

Speaker 1: 6:05

So none of us are perfect, I know. Sorry to tell you, I was also devastated when somebody told me I wasn't perfect. That was a joke. That was a joke, okay, chill out. And I was just like, oh gosh, these things in the relationship I'm not happy with. I'm non-negotiable, okay, and that's just it. It's non-negotiable and we get to decide that. We get to decide what is non-negotiable for us. We get to decide how we clearly use our voice to respectfully communicate your needs, okay, and not just your needs, your wants, okay, because I bang on about this a lot and you'll hear me say about it a lot Women are conditioned to ask what they need, not what they want.

Speaker 1: 6:51

Okay, they go. Oh, but I don't need that. But I don't need that. When was the last time you turned around and said, oh well, I don't need that? Well, bitch, you want it. That's enough. That is enough to want something. You're allowed to want whatever you want, that's okay. Men want whatever they want and they go get it, and that's okay too. And I can't speak for the non-binary and other people. I can't speak for them. I can only talk about gender roles, because that's the only thing I have any sort of clue about. So, yes, when we are talking about this, we get to decide our non-negotiables. We get to decide what we want and what we don't want, and we get to decide what we need in order to make us feel desired in the relationship to make us feel safe, to make us feel seen, to make us feel whatever and I make us feel seen, to make us feel whatever.

Speaker 1: 7:44

And I had spoken to my lovely ex-partner about two things in particular that I just wasn't happy with. And I came from a place of not blaming him, being like oh, I hate you when you do this, right, because no man on earth is ever going to listen to you if you rattle on like that, if you are going to be like, oh, you never do this. You know, yeah, fuck you. Like you're ungrateful, like you know it's like if he came round to you and said you never do this or that, you'd feel really defensive and ungrateful. You know, like that person's being really ungrateful. So you know, obviously you encourage the man when he does something that you like him to do, you encourage him, you, you go. Oh, my God, that's amazing. When you do that, it makes me feel really good and at first this felt really alien to me, but it has had massive success when you encourage him in the things that you like to do.

Speaker 1: 8:26

And then I would be more like okay, I have something that is worrying me. Can we talk about this collectively and then you know it comes to a place of. I am not blaming you, this is something I'm worried about. And we did that a lot and we talked about the same thing three freaking fucking times and at that point I chose to end the commitment. Okay, now you might be thinking, god, kirsty, like you, like you obviously don't want to work at something, or you must be mad, or I can assure you who darling like non-negotiables are non-negotiables. Okay, he didn't get one chance. He got three chances and in the three chances he said he would change and he did not. Now, that is not respectful to me. Do not. If you don't want to do something, just openly say it. I don't want to do that, or I prefer if we did this, that's fine, let's talk about it. Don't tell me you're going to do something and then not do it.

Speaker 1: 9:27

And yes, it's one of those things where you have to accept that people sometimes are not going to behave in the way that you want them to, and it's not coming from a place of like wanting to change them, right, it's about drawing him into the relationship. It's about him being in the relationship with me and wanting to work towards something that is beautiful by saying yes but then not actually doing anything, because he had no organic motivation to change, which I understand, and he had every chance to use his voice and to be clear in his communication to me and say, kirsty, I don't want to do that. But he did not. He said yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do it. And then he did it and that ended the relationship. Why? Because that is not steady foundation for me. Okay, although in the moment he made me feel safe and protected.

Speaker 1: 10:10

When we were apart and I was experiencing these behaviors, I'm like this didn't make me feel good and I want to be with somebody who makes me feel good, and I understand that I am responsible for making me feel good and part of that is communicating my boundaries right and now. In the past, I would have accepted this, I would have made excuses, I would have stayed out of fear of being alone or oh my god, another relationship that's come to an end, or convinced myself I was asking for too much, you know. I would have carried on and I would have felt resentful and unfulfilled, probably biting my tongue, especially like I did this in my six year relationship where, like I didn't tell him what I needed or what I wanted, and then I would make it a snide remark and I hated that. I hated that so much when I did it.

Speaker 1: 10:56

So what I want to say is that you can change the way that you use your voice in your relationships. Okay, but it comes from this sense of knowing your worth and knowing who you are. Now I know who I am. I don't want to be that person who gives snide remarks or, you know, is walking around feeling resentful or looking at my partner feeling like, oh for fuck's sake, you just threw my head in. I don't want to be that person. And of course, we get glimmers of that, why? Humans, that's it. But what we want is, majority of the time, that person to be in the relationship with us and we are working in a partnership, not me asking for something, saying yes and then not doing it. And I know it sounds so simple to be like well, why would you give up something so loving and so safe? But realistically this would have been the downfall of our relationship long term.

Speaker 1: 11:42

And you know the stuff that I did to get here, the stuff I did to like change my voice, to move away from that fear of being alone or, you know, convincing myself I'm asking too much was literally working with my inner child. I learned I'm worthy of of both what I want and what I need. Okay, and my inner child knows she deserves unconditional love. Like, unconditional love is available to me from multiple people throughout my lifetime. Unconditional love is in abundance.

Speaker 1: 12:11

Okay, when we meet someone who presents us with unconditional love, it's beautiful and it's lovely and it's great, but it's not going to be the only person in your life who is going to give you unconditional love. Why you can give yourself unconditional love, why you may get unconditional love from family, if not your soul family, your chosen family. The people who you decide are your family, because sometimes families really fucking suck and that's okay as well. You might decide oh well, there'll be multiple partners in my life that will give me unconditional love. Why? Because you are worthy of it. That is the point. This is, when you anchor into this and you know that you're worthy of unconditional love, you end up letting go of things that do not meet the standard, that do not meet what makes you feel good, and the moral of the story is you get to decide. You get to decide right now.

Speaker 1: 13:00

Okay. Are you going to work with your inner child, let her know that she deserves unconditional love? Are you breaking ancestral patterns of staying in relationships out obligation of fear or financial burden, you know? Are you going to say that, like my, my mum and my grandmother's relationships, they were terrible, which my mum and dad and the relationships that, like I, saw like growing up as a child? They were terrible. They were terrible. I don't want that relationship where I have to hold my tongue and not speak my truth and stuff my emotions down and always just pull myself together and get on with it.

Speaker 1: 13:38

No, because I'm. I'm an emotional fucking projector. If you're a human design person, you know I'm an emotional projector. What does that mean? I will have emotional waves. My rising sign is a fucking Pisces. I'm going to be emotional and you just have to deal with it.

Speaker 1: 13:54

I am a sensitive as fuck person. From the trauma experience in my life, I have deep empathy for others. I absorb energy like a fucking sponge. So do you know what I get? To set my boundaries, I get to say what I want and I know I sound quite cheerful. Now. This has obviously been like a couple of weeks since we broke up. It was. Yeah, I wasn't this cheerful in the beginning, I can assure you.

Speaker 1: 14:17

But what you want is valid. Okay, you are just here to have a human experience, and why are you depriving your soul of that by going along with what everybody else wants? Okay, I want somebody who's going to invest in a shared partnership with me, and if that doesn't happen, I will break the commitment and I will find somebody who will. Why? There are thousands of billions of people out there all over the world who would love to be with me and I would love to be with them. They might even love to be with you, who knows?

Speaker 1: 14:51

Okay, it's not about being big headed. It's not about being a narcissist. It's not about being too much. It's about taking up space in the world to know who you are, to admire who you are, to love who you are, to just embrace who you are, and I've been speaking about this a lot with clients lately. You will never be 100% in the light and healed. You just won't. Why? Because we live in a world of polarity. Right, we have the earth and we have the ocean. We have the sun. We have the earth and we have the ocean. We have the sun, we have the moon, we have the light, we have the dark and we have the light and we have the dark within us. The light is all the good things that we like about ourselves, and the dark are maybe the traits that are less desirable.

Speaker 1: 15:29

The jealousy, the anger, the frustration, the things that we might say behind people's backs or whatever it is, they all come from a place of survival. Okay, I had a client say to me oh, I feel like I can be quite manipulative and I'm like points for self-awareness and manipulation isn't always coming from a nasty place. Right, I used to see this a lot with the women I worked in the criminal justice system. Manipulation wasn't because they were spiteful, that was just the method of survival. They had learned to get what they want. Okay, and you can unlearn that, change it, or if you happen to live with it, then you live with it because there will be parts of you you have to just accept exist For me.

Speaker 1: 16:11

I'm a jealous girl. I get jealous and I used to be really resentful and bitter with that jealousy. So how did I turn that into something good? I recognize that jealousy is acknowledging that somebody has something that my soul wants and my soul knows I'm capable of. That's it, and I get to take part in celebrating with that person. I'm still being jealous. I can still do both. Now I'm not. Now I'm not angry, now I'm not bitter. Now I'm not going to be the person who pulls somebody else down, right, I'm going to be that person who is there celebrating with you, trying to understand how to get there, trying to understand the path, and in the meantime, meantime, I am going to just recognize and acknowledge my soul wants what they want and what they have, and that's okay as well. You can exist and have both coexist at the same freaking time and I don't know who needs to hear this, because obviously this is just channeling throughout the moment but the, the polarity of us is something so incredibly beautiful, okay, and you might be like, oh well, kirsty, like doesn't make sense, like why would I glamorize? Being jealous or angry or resentful? But they were just part of your past and what has shaped you? Okay, not everything needs fixing.

Speaker 1: 17:23

Sometimes I feel like in the self-development space, especially in the spiritual space, like something new will come up and we'll go oh, I, I need to fix it and I need to work at it and I need to make a difference. Well, actually, why don't you just accept yourself radically right now for who the fuck you are? What would that feel like? Take a nice deep breath in, breathe in and exhale, just literally exhale and just say to yourself I accept myself for who I am like. Imagine how that would feel like. Just take a moment, because it's exactly okay to be you, to be who you are, to exist, exist in the light, to have things that are less desirable about you, to make choices because you want them, not because it's something you need.

Speaker 1: 18:18

So I hope that this has found a little bit of fire in your belly, a little bit of empowerment through December as we go forward into the end of the year, knowing that as we leave this year, you get to decide. You get to decide what you want, and I feel like that's a really beautiful place to leave the podcast for today. So I'm going to leave it there, as always. Let me know your thoughts on the podcast. I'm always, always really excited to hear what you think, how you feel. Let me know. I'm sending you so much love.