How to say what you REALLY feel without fear and guilt...

Unlock the secrets to transforming your communication skills and overcoming nervous system shutdowns during challenging conversations. Discover how childhood experiences shape our ability to speak up and assert our needs, especially in romantic relationships. By listening to this episode, you'll gain insights into the universal fight, flight, fawn, and freeze responses that often paralyze us in tense situations, and learn actionable strategies to rewire your subconscious and activate your voice. Whether it's setting boundaries or healing deep-seated emotional wounds, we provide the tools to help you find confidence and embrace your truth.

Join us as we celebrate the power of the female voice with our unique mentorship program, "Activate Your Voice." This initiative offers continuous support and resources to empower women to navigate patriarchal barriers and express themselves fully. Through active healing, personal growth, and self-care, the program encourages women to harness their voices with confidence and love. As we explore the journey to self-expression, we remind you to honor yourself with kindness and celebrate Aphrodite day, nurturing both your inner and outer strength.

Chapters

• 0:00 Overcoming Nervous System Shutdown in Conversations
• 10:59 Healing Childhood Wounds and Speaking Up
• 17:49 Empowering Women With Voice Activation

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

So today we're going to be talking about how to stop shutting down during difficult conversations. This is something that is something I personally struggled with for a really, really long time. If you're wondering, like, why is she looking away from the screen? It's literally because I have so many notes and I want to make sure that I deliver everything in this training today, and this training is for you. If you are somebody who, like you, can be in in a conversation with somebody and then they will say something to hurt you, to trigger you, and then, instead of responding, what you do is you completely freeze, your mind goes blank. You might even feel like you're cold, your throat tightens and then you just kind of go into this like state of being really, really agreeable, or you don't really say anything and it just feels like such a shock to the system. So if this happens to you, we're going to be talking a lot about what happens in your body during this time and how you can work with your body to overcome this, because later on you're probably thinking, oh, I should have said this, I should have done that. I'm actually really not happy with the way that that person spoke to me, blah, blah, blah. And then it feels like it's gone too long for you to be able to go back and say, hey, actually, like that conversation wasn't okay. But what I tell my clients all the time is that it's never too long in order for you to set a boundary. Okay, you need to be able to set your boundaries and, yeah, it doesn't matter when it is if it's at the time, if it's after, if it's a week later, even if it's a year later, you're allowed to go back. Hey, thanks for joining. And so today I'm gonna be talking about why your nervous system shuts down in the moment when we're having difficult conversations. How the subconscious, where did that come from? How subconscious patterns are basically coming from our childhood and driving this, and simple ways for you to start healing, to overcome, to start speaking truth, even in uncomfortable situations. So this is what I'm doing today.

Speaker 1: 1:58

So your nervous system response okay, let's break down exactly what's going on in your body when this happens and your brain is wired for survival. We have come so far in civilization that we forget that our bodies are literally all about survival. Okay, so when we are rewiring our brain like this is where we're going to be doing that subconscious work right, because our brain is constantly scanning for danger, for danger, for danger, for danger, and whether it was an animal, a hostile tribe, even just like that social conflict. Your brain really cannot tell the difference now between a tiger and like that really horrible boss at work. So what happens is your nervous system will kick in and obviously you might have heard of these responses before you probably have which is your fight, flight, fawn and freeze. Okay, and this is your body's way of automatically protecting you from perceived threats. Now this is already mapped out for you in your subconscious mind, where this was built when you were a child okay, between the ages of zero and eight, this, the map of the world, was created. So thanks for joining everyone. Um, so the map of the world was created. So thanks for joining everyone. Um, so the map of the world was created for you in your subconscious mind. So your subconscious also influenced from your ancestors and your ancestral trauma. The things that kept them alive have also been passed down to you. You have this map of the world and how to keep safe, and that might include freezing in conversations, phoning, fighting, fighting, freezing, ok.

Speaker 1: 3:26

So when you fight, what does that look like? You become defensive, argumentative, aggressive. Somebody tries to give you feedback and you're like no, I'm not accepting this. You might become, you might raise your voice, you might interrupt, you might try and control the conversation and it can feel like snapping back, like just, you know, we, we've all done it, we've all snapped back at somebody, um, and needing to like win the argument as well, like to prove that you are safe and that you are like you are okay. So if you might have this outburst of anger and you know what you might have conversations like about the same thing over and over, then you might just get to this point where you have like this emotional eruption and this is you going into that fight, defensive, argumentative state.

Speaker 1: 4:08

Next up, you have your flight, you avoid the situation altogether, you emotionally or physically withdraw. You're like I'm leaving the room, I'm shutting down, I'm not doing this, I'm ghosting the situation. If you're doing it by a text message, you know you're, you and your friend are having a back and forth and they've said something to like upset you and they want to call you out on something. You just you just ghost them and you, just because your body just physically can't like respond and this is what I want you to get your head around is that it's not that you're weak or that you're you're any sort of negative word you'd like to use. It's the fact of, like your, your brain is designed to keep you safe and your body is having this automatic reaction, so you may procrastinate as well.

Speaker 1: 4:49

Instead of having important conversations to avoid confrontation, you may freeze, you may start, go silent, your mind goes blank, you may feel stuck or paralyzed. Your body might tense up, you might seem like you can't find words, like you can't even, like um, leave the situation. Your chest might feel tight, things in your body might feel really tight and contracted and you feel like you're frozen in place, even though parts of you want to speak up and you and you're, you know you may really want to say something. You, you know the words are there, but they're just not coming out in the way that's really like that. You can bring them out.

Speaker 1: 5:24

It's about being stuck and frozen in that moment and then forwarding, which I think is really really common and it's not talked about enough, and I think this is something which, like I, really resonated with. I didn't realize I was doing until I could put a name on it, whereas, like, you, immediately agree, you apologize, even if you're hurt, even if you, even if you're hurt, even if you disagree, even if you say, fine, don't worry about it. It's just to avoid the other person feeling uncomfortable. And this really, like, obviously stems from your childhood, but it's that way of just being, like I'm just going to mitigate this, I'm going to mitigate any danger and I'm just going to agree with it and get out of here as soon as possible and just fall and go along with it.

Speaker 1: 6:03

Okay, and why this happens, and why it's not your fault, is that, like I just said, it's happening on a subconscious level. So your mind is, you know, isn't consciously deciding to fight, freeze, phone whatever. It's just reacting to all the programming in your subconscious mind. So maybe as a child you might have been told be quiet every time you try to speak up. You might have been ignored or dismissed. You might have been criticized for having too many feelings or being too sensitive. You may have been punished or rejected.

Speaker 1: 6:31

When you try to assert yourself and tell somebody no, I don't want to do it, something as well is like being made to do stuff that you didn't want to do so, for example, kissing aunt sally on the face when you really didn't want to, like, you know, not having that autonomy over your body. All of this now kicks in as an adult, because the the threat still lives in the body. Okay, it believes that conflict equals danger. So this isn't a character flaw, this isn isn't you like? Just yeah, whatever words you want to be unkind to yourself about. This is a learned protective response. Okay, and this is why, like you might feel, like sometimes you're able to have conversations, sometimes you're not. It depends on the person.

Speaker 1: 7:10

Your body's main job is to keep you alive. Like I said at the start of this, your body is there to keep you alive and it will work off the subconscious map that you have. Our subconscious brain is 95% of our brain activity, 5% is our conscious brain and if you're, like, really interested in the brain, we have our amygdala. Amygdala is like that little part in our brain which is a danger center, always detecting for threats, and this is the thing that will trip you up. This is the thing that will go. This is a threat, when actually it you know it might not be, but it's based off your subconscious programming. Okay, so when that starts to go off. Your nervous system will start to flood like with Hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, increasing your heart rate, tightening your muscles, making it hard to relax, and you may feel tension in your jaw, in your chest, you might get shaky hands, lump in throat all physical signs that your body is bracing for danger, like when we're experiencing those things. It's because we're bracing for danger.

Speaker 1: 8:06

There will be a complete disconnection from your body as well. It'll be harder to access your emotions to your words because they go out the window when your body's like I'm in danger, this is what you know. I just need to get out of this situation is the priority. This is why you often think about the perfect response. I mean, me and the shower head have had many conversations where I'm like oh, I wish I had said this or I wish I had done that, or when you're driving in the car away, you know you just get this like perfect result and then you start to get really frustrated with yourself, like why can I say that in the moment? Because your brain is not focused on you having words and emotions in that time. It's just it's going into that automatic response for you, um, to avoid this difficult conversation and to feel safe. So your body isn't betraying you, it's protecting you.

Speaker 1: 8:52

Okay, the responses were learned and the best part about it is that it can be unlearned. Okay, this isn't you, it doesn't have to be you forever. With a healing, with healing and practice, you can stay calm, grounded and fully present, even if you know be fully present even in uncomfortable situations. You can say to that person, you can even like, clap back and start to say how you really feel in that moment, and not only have I've this. I've worked with 250 women to help them work this out in their body. Okay, so let's go a little bit deeper. Like let's go back into, like the childhood stuff We've mentioned earlier about how, like you were told to be quiet, to stop overreacting.

Speaker 1: 9:32

Maybe sometimes you expressed emotions and were labeled as dramatic or sensitive, too much, made to feel like you were too much with your emotions. You learnt your feelings weren't welcome, so you stayed silent. You were ignored. You were dismissed. You were punished for expressing your feelings. You had to manage other people's emotions.

Speaker 1: 9:51

So if you had a parent who was drunk there was drug and alcohol, use his mental health. There's just an immature parent in the household. You are designed to um monitor their emotions. Okay, you know the whole walking on eggshells things. You, you, you kind of become this like really in tune, empath because you had to walk around this person and make sure that everything that was okay for them, because you're just like I don't know if they're gonna kick off, I don't know whatever. So if you've got that really like parentless inconsistent, then this is something that you might do.

Speaker 1: 10:24

And although being an empath when you're older is a superpower, I truly believe that it was born from a place of you having to be hyper aware to the people in your life when you're really younger and this will teach you that. You know, maybe you need to prioritize other people's comfort over your own and like this worked for me because my mum, like she used to care for my nan. So my you know my nan was like terminally ill. So then what happened was I didn't want to feel like a burden on my mum, so then I would become the mature person I would try and make her dinner. I would not express how I feel because I didn't want to be the burden.

Speaker 1: 10:59

You know, all of this stuff that came up for me as a child like meant that when I was older, I couldn't have difficult conversations, I couldn't assert my needs, especially in romantic relationships. It was so hard because, you know, you kind of learn the story as well, like from like my dad leaving when I was younger, from my nan dying when I was 16, like everybody I love leaves me. So you kind of learn these stories as well. So not only do you have like your subconscious mind um mapped out for you, you start to tell yourself stories, which again reinforces this way of you keeping yourself safe. Um, another side of the coin is that you're appraised for being the easy child. You were agreeable, you were in love and approval because you were always achieving. You were always told, oh, she's so good, she's so good, you know you might be the older sibling, or she's so good at looking after her other siblings. You know all of this stuff can also contribute to that as well.

Speaker 1: 11:54

So when we, you know there's talk about how it shows up in your adult life, like I said, you freeze. When it's time to express your feelings, you people please to avoid confrontation, you overthink what you want to say and worried about how it's going to be received. So you might have a conversation with a friend and you're like I really don't want to do that thing, or They've said this and that really hurt me. Well, you might overthink it. You might even just go into like, oh, okay, I Really want to say this, but I don't know how it's gonna go down and I don't want to lose our friendship. And then you end up in a spiral around it and then nine times out of ten, you don't actually say the thing, you just go. Oh, it's okay, because it's easier for you just to go. I'm gonna, I'm just gonna let it go and I'm not gonna bother.

Speaker 1: 12:34

Um, you may avoid conversation deep down because you feel it, because you avoid hard conversations, because deep down, you feel like your feelings don't matter, which is absolutely bullshit. Um, oh god, I'm forgetting. I just swear on you. It's absolutely nonsense. Your feelings absolutely matter. It doesn't matter if they make sense or they don't, and like, the good news about this is that you can teach your nervous system to speak up. You can rewire your subconscious. You know your subconscious mind. You can heal that wounded inner child who learned to stay quiet because that's only when they got love and affection.

Speaker 1: 13:07

Okay, this is just. Yeah, this is just something that you don't have to live with is what I'm here to say. So how to stay present and speak your truth. Okay, you gotta regulate your nervous system for a start. Okay, when you're thinking about speaking up, you need to get back into your body as much as quickly as you can. So that is through, like deep breathing, you may want to put your hand on your heart, on your stomach.

Speaker 1: 13:28

I mean, this is maybe like, if you're doing this through a call or um, through text message or whatever you know, you're allowed to repeat affirmations and say it's safe to speak, it's safe to be in my body. Um, and this is just a nice way. And what I'm going to just reiterate to you is that, like, you can go through this experience. You can fight, you can fall, you can freeze, you can, you can what you know fly, flight, flight. You can do those things. But you can still go back and read and reopen the conversation at any time. Like you are in complete control of your life. And if you think like, oh, I've missed the moment, that's, that's just a lie. I'm trying not to swear that is a lie, because you can go back and you can redo this at any time.

Speaker 1: 14:10

Okay, so if you need to just get through the moment and then reassess where you are and then come back and then say something that's fine, regulate yourself first. Say what you mean. Say what you mean, not have that like automatic defensive response okay, get into your body, what does my body say about this? And this defensive response okay, get into your body, what does my body say about this? And this might not. This might take you five minutes, it might take you five hours, it might take you five days. Whatever it takes, that's absolutely fine, it's perfect as it is. Okay.

Speaker 1: 14:37

Obviously you need to go back to your inner child. You need to. You know you need to find out the core, the root of this. Obviously I always advocate for going to the root of something because you know we could work on the surface level stuff. But actually what I find happens is that people will work on the surface level stuff of like being able to speak up. They might do a little bit of nervous system regulation, things like that, but then they slip back into old patterns because they've not addressed the root. So you need to be asking your child like when did I first learn that speaking up wasn't safe? When did I first learn that speaking up wasn't safe, you know, and then, just kind of, you can go into, like connecting with your inner child, journaling, all these different types of things that you that you know that you can do to connect with your inner child, just to make sure that she feels safe in using her voice.

Speaker 1: 15:21

And next up is to start small with building confidence. Okay, your subconscious loves evidence. Okay, and, like, I want you to keep a list of everything that you do, so you may want to start small, like, like expressing a preference. Actually I'd like to go do this instead. Actually I'd like to do this. So I'm not comfortable with that plan. You know, small preferences could be something that is a really good way to start to build your confidence, and confidence loves evidence. Your subconscious loves evidence. Okay, you want to name your feelings in a safe place? Okay, um, so if you have a friend that says something to you, like you might say that comment didn't actually sit well with me and that's okay, um, you need time to think about it. These are really key phrases and I often find like these are phrases that, like, I almost have at the back of my mind to use when I'm in a confrontational situation so I can go. I need time to think about this, to buy myself space, but also to get myself out of that situation, to regulate myself.

Speaker 1: 16:19

Okay, the the truth is, you're not going to be able to go into your next confrontational conversation and not freeze without doing the core work, without doing the childhood work, without working with your nervous system. Why? Because there's three components here. We need to be working with our subconscious mind. This is your map of the world. This is what keeps you safe. You need to change the map. You need to connect with your inner child. You need to make sure that she's feeling safe, because if she's not feeling safe, everything's coming up for you. Because if she's not feeling safe, everything's coming up for you and that so it's okay. And yeah, in your nervous system, you need to be able to get back into your body and to connect with your body as much as you can.

Speaker 1: 16:53

I've created a nine minute morning routine which I've had on my stories this week, which is really, really good for tapping into your body every single morning and it takes you nine minutes. Like I'm not one for these like bougie morning routines, but if you're interested in that and do send me a dm because, yeah, it's, it's really really good. So, if you're like, this all really resonates for me. I'm just so done with all of this stuff. I've literally just launched my one month mentorship all around activating your voice. That's what it's called, and that this is exactly what we do in there. We are healing your inner child, we rewire the nervous system, we are working with your subconscious mind and we're building you confidence so you can just come up and just show up in your life with so much space and love and just be able to communicate how you feel, because you deserve to do that. You don't deserve to be stood just waiting, um, for these emotions to eventually take over and have an emotional explosion.

Speaker 1: 17:49

All right, so if you are interested in Activate your Voice, send me a DM afterwards, because, yeah, I'm going to be closing the doors pretty soon on this, at the end of the month, but I'm really, really excited about this mentorship. It's not like anything that you've ever seen, because we will be doing healing, we'll be doing active, so we'll be doing active healing throughout. You will have stuff in between. You'll have access to me and telegram. You'll have all of this stuff so that you can end up then being that person who can speak confidently in these really hard conversations. So, yeah, if there's any questions, you're welcome to like drop them in the chat. Thank you all so much for joining me as I was talking about this this morning.

Speaker 1: 18:28

I feel like I haven't come up for air, because this is something like I'm so passionate about, because I'm so passionate about women being able to speak their truth, to be able to open up and to like just say what they feel. Like this is something so simple that, like a middle-aged white man would not even think about. But obviously patriarchy, upset, um, oppression, all of this stuff means that that becomes really, really difficult for women, and I'm just I'm not about it. It is my mission this year for women to be able to speak that bloody truth in everything, in every part of their life. So, if there's no questions, I'm going to get some of my coffee, because I had my coffee. I said I love my coffee. I would chat everyone and there's no questions, I'll make a move.

Speaker 1: 19:09

Okay, I've obviously overwhelmed you all with everything, but yeah, hopefully you found value in that. Hopefully you enjoyed this training. Hopefully this is something where you're like I'm so ready to take control of this in 2025. And yeah, just wishing you the most amazing. Friday it is Aphrodite day, so this is the perfect day for self-care, for self-love, all of that stuff and, just you know, sharing love in the world. So, yeah, happy Venus day, happy.