Why Your Career Success is Covering Up the Fact it's Hard to Receive Because of Shame...

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Shame in Independence
• 8:56 Overcoming Shame in Receiving Love
• 15:22 Healing Shame Through Support and Success
• 19:22 Stepping Into Your Power

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey guys, just jumping in quickly before we jump into today's episode, just to pre-warn you, I will be talking about sexual abuse in this episode, so if this is a really difficult topic for you, you may want to just skip the portion of the episode or skip the episode entirely together. It's just a small amount that I do talk about it, but I just wanted to give you the heads up before we jump in, so it's not a shock. And yeah, let's, let's go, let's get into it. Hello, welcome back. I'm super freaking excited for this episode because I'm going to be talking all about when you thought being the independent boss, babe, was your superpower, but it's actually not being able to receive because of shame. That's right. I mentioned the S word, that fucking horrible word, and I promise you I got beef with that word. I hate shame. I hate it because it literally is one of the emotions or one of the things that we carry that holds us so incredibly stuck and, trust me, I fucking hate it. So I'm speaking to you.

Speaker 1: 1:04

If you'd rather work all hours under the sun, then ask for help. Success comes naturally, but when it comes to being vulnerable with your partner or with somebody new that you're dating. It absolutely gives you the ick. You can lead a team, but freeze. When people are like, well, what do you need? You're like, oh, nothing, nothing, I don't need anything, miss Independent. Okay. When people are like, well, what do you need? You're like, oh, nothing, nothing, I don't need anything, miss independent. Okay. Then everybody comes to you for support in your friendship group, but when you're really, really struggling, you find it so hard to reach out. Honestly, I'm fine, is a toxic trait. It's like you say you're fine, but you're not fine, okay. So if this is you, if you're like I really just don't want to be open to like receiving and to leaning on other people, then this is it. This is it. Nobody consciously thinks that they aren't open to receiving, but it just shows up in our behaviors, especially if we show up as this boss, babe, okay.

Speaker 1: 2:03

Because when you're killing it in your career, in your job, like, all you're going to hear is oh, my god, you're so amazing, you're so inspiring, you're smashing it, wow, can't believe you did that, like all of this stuff. But really, this is something which is an incredible mask, because what you're doing is you're covering your power wounds, which were created as a child, with something socially acceptable. Because, let's face it, if you were strung out on drugs, alcohol, you were addicted to sex openly, people knew that you were an impulse spender, whatever you would ever carry shame about, or how you would learn to cope with these emotions, that wasn't seen as socially acceptable. It would be a totally different story. It'd be like I can't believe you do that, like how can you do that to yourself, like how can you do this, how can you do that? Like it's a whole fucking thing. So, let's face it, if it was drugs and alcohol, you'd be treated entirely different. But because it's socially acceptable, this gets to fuel your addiction.

Speaker 1: 3:00

Okay, because it looks so positive from the outside looking in, because success looks so powerful and looks so great. And this is what I call the addiction of the high achiever. Because the hustle and the grind and the climbing the career ladder or running your business or whatever you do feels so comfortable. Because when shame runs deep, receiving feels dangerous and being needy feels fucking terrifying. Okay, you've built this empire, this ivory tower, but you don't have to need anyone. You don't. You don't rely on your friends because they don't emotionally support you. Why would you speak to your parents about your emotions. You wouldn't do that. Money got that covered. What else do you need, god? I got it all myself and you know what this used to be me, oh my god. So don't feel attacked because, like literally, I'm attacking a previous version of myself. Because this used to be me, I used to think it's fine, I'll struggle on, I'll burn the fuck out. It's fine, because I would rather burn the fuck out, be burned to a crisp, crying, driving to work every single day, than actually ask for help. That's that literally used to be my, my reality, and I know I'm not alone in this. You know this. I don't need anyone miss. Independent idea is not, is not a flex, it's not a thing that is so good and positive. It's basically our nervous system protecting us from receiving because there's deep rooted shame. Okay, so now you're like how does this all fit together? How does this all fit together? Well, let's think about shame for a moment.

Speaker 1: 4:35

Okay, you might have felt really dirty growing up when you had natural bodily changes, like the first time you got your period, and was too afraid to tell everyone. You may have had your body sexualized too early from comments with the older boys at school when you got breasts. You might have just been teased for being too fat, too small, too thin, too fat, too. This too, that whatever. You might have just been called weird because you like different things. You might have just been called weird because you like different things. You might have just been really different from your family and from your siblings and always felt like they all don't know. You might have been told that you were a bad girl, that you were naughty, that Santa won't bring you any presents because you're such a naughty girl. You may have been shamed for when you were curious about exploring your body.

Speaker 1: 5:32

I remember once I was like what's it like to kiss somebody, mum? And she was like, oh, that's dirty, that's dirty. I think it was because I was quite young at the time. She kind of tried to uh, steer me away from the conversation, but yeah, she told me it was dirty. So, okay, so kissing people and being intimate with people that you love is dirty. That's what you grew up thinking.

Speaker 1: 5:58

All of this plays into a massive part, okay, so how this really translates is that like when you start to ask for help but then you're ashamed. You become a burden when you have needs. It's being too much and that's shameful. You're too much. You're too much, oh gosh, I can't handle you. Can you just shut up? Blah, blah, blah. Can't do that, you're just too much.

Speaker 1: 6:20

Receiving support comes by owing somebody. There's always strings attached like if I do this for you, you have to do this for me. How many times did your mum say right, if you take the bins out, then I'll do this for you. Or if you do this, I'll do that for you. Like you know that trade in that relationship. Or there may be like dad give you money and then threw it back in your face. No, I've already given you five pound. Don't, don't ask me for more money. You know you've wasted your money. Blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 6:48

Shame, shaming you about your finances, which can really start at a young age as well. Side note being vulnerable means getting hurt. I remember once I had this moment where I just I burst up crying and I said I just don't feel safe anywhere. This was after my house got burgled and my mum and my nan laughed at me. So I learned I don't want to be vulnerable because people just laugh at me.

Speaker 1: 7:11

Okay, independence equals safety. Why? Because I'm the one that's in control. I'm the one that gets to call the shots. I'm the one who can say what's happening, whatever, I'm the one that's fully in control and I don't need to rely on anybody. And the shame doesn't stop there. Okay, so we've talked about childhood shame. As we grow up, as our body changes, as we move through life, we start to gather these like little moments of shame, right, and then again this is something that I talk about, which is kind of like layering our experiences. Okay, okay, so we've had this shame when we're younger, but obviously shame doesn't stop there.

Speaker 1: 7:49

Have you seen, like, if you're a woman in the UK I'm talking about women in the UK specifically, because I can't talk about any other countries because this is where I grew up but when we hit those intimate relationships, oh boy, boy, oh boy, oh boy it takes up a whole new fucking level of shame. If you sleep with somebody too soon, you're a whore. If you don't, then you're uptight. If you cover up too much, you aren't fun, but if you toe too much skin, you're a slut. The time you said yes to that guy on a drunken night out and you consented, but your body didn't really want to go home with him and you didn't know how to say stop. You're like, okay, I don't even know how to do with deal with this, so we just don't talk about it and we just avoid that ever happened. You wake up the next morning from this guy that you're seeing and you finally took it to that next step of intimacy and you regret it because you still don't feel comfortable. But we can't say that because that will end the relationship.

Speaker 1: 8:56

And I'm going to talk about sexual abuse as well here. Um, so what happened if you were assaulted? The shame that you carry from sexual assault is a really big thing, really fucking big thing. Because again, we claim back the control and we blame it on ourselves. Oh, it was my fault, I was asking for it, my skirt was too short, or yeah, there was this reason. It was that reason. We never truly blame the people, especially when it comes to our childhood stuff. If we find it very hard to blame our parents for not protecting us, we find it very hard that maybe an adult or an older person older boy, older, whoever knew better, we hold ourself accountable for this, because it's easier for us to manage that shame than to feel so vulnerable and so unsafe in the world, and my heart goes out to you because I've been sexually assaulted like the first time I lost my virginity was a sexual assault. It was not consensual. So I have been there and I've carried that shame for a really long time and I always used to worry.

Speaker 1: 10:09

You know what if people found out? What if people found out what happened that night? What would they think of me? Not, what would you think of the other person who, like the boy, was a boy at my school who was older than me and his brother was in my class? I went for years being still in the same school and still seeing that person every day. But I was petrified. I didn't want to tell anyone because what if they didn't believe me, right? What if they didn't believe me, right? What if they didn't believe me? What if I just caused all these problems? What if my mum found out? It's all of this stuff. So what do you do? You stuff it all down and then you start to really understand where the shame comes from.

Speaker 1: 10:45

I've had clients who have been abused by family members, by people that they knew, by family friends, by all sorts. There are so many women that I worked with in the prison that had experienced sexual assault and you know harassment as well, because harassment is a big thing as well like it's really impossible to feel safe in your body when you say no to somebody and they still continue to, to pester you and still want to continue the conversation with you. Like it's a really deep thing. It's a really deep thing that lives within us and makes us feel unsafe as women. And don't forget, we are talking about not only our human experience, but the one of my mother, the one of my grandmother, like when I we don't talk about it, but I know that there were sexual elements towards those relationships that were not always consensual. I know that there were. I know, because everything else wouldn't have existed in the relationship and not that thing. So it's just so shameful that we just never talk about it.

Speaker 1: 11:43

And something that my mentor said to me the other day was like how you get ahead of shame is by taking control of the narrative and you expressing that story. And I was like, fuck, yeah, this is what I would tell my client, because there was something I was dealing with which I was like, oh my god, I carry so much shame around this and I could name it a shame. And she was just like, well, get ahead of it and just name the story and you express it before anybody else does and you take control of the narrative. And I was like, yeah, this is what happens when you get to take control of it. Okay, so when we have all of these experiences and all of this shame and then we're open to receiving, absolutely not Like, absolutely fucking not. Why? Because if I allow myself to be vulnerable, I get hurt. If I allow you to give me something, there's an expectation of something in return which I'm not sure I'm going to be comfortable about giving. So what do I do? I just avoid the situation.

Speaker 1: 12:42

It's a really deep, deep situation where the shame lives within us and it becomes so, so big that it blocks us in so many ways. But today we're just talking about receiving. Okay, we're talking about receiving, and every time these situations happen to us, it builds on the shame as a child. This is where we go back to layering those experiences the shame as a child, the shame in our intimate relationships. There may be shame in our marriage. There may be shame in our relationship. Wherever it is. This just results us in pushing people further and further away and results in not being able to receive, because when you've been shamed so much, it's so hard to think and to feel I truly deserve unconditional love. I am worthy just as I am. My needs truly matter. It's safe to be vulnerable and I deserve to be cherished.

Speaker 1: 13:38

To feel that through to your core when you're carrying shame is literally like oil and water. It doesn't mix. It literally doesn't mix. And your nervous system is going to say to you well, that's really fucking unsafe, isn't it, kirsty? Why the fuck are you doing that? Because anything that you do comes with some sort of string attached. What are you doing, girl? Your nervous system and your subconscious is gonna have a fucking fit. Okay, it's gonna be freaking out and it's gonna be like no, no, no, no. Let's stay in our comfort zone. Let's keep ourselves really confined. That way, nobody can shame us. Nobody expects anything from us. That makes us feel uncomfortable. It acts as a very comfortable shield to keep the world out and the vulnerability in.

Speaker 1: 14:21

You get to tone yourself down to be a chameleon in room so that you're not too much and your emotions are not too big, and receiving becomes difficult. It becomes a fucking wall between you and the outside world. And when people do stuff for you like a genuine compliment they buy you flowers, they buy you an extravagant birthday gift you just don't know how to feel and like you might even go into this state of being really fucking numb and not knowing how to say thank you, because you actually become so full of dread where your friend is like, oh, I just really wanted to do this really nice thing for you and you're like, wow, that's amazing, that's great. But you don't know how to fully accept it. Or you might have a compliment where it's like you just look so good today, you are glowing you're like oh uh, oh uh, and you blame it, like oh well, I didn't really have a good night's sleep. Or oh, I don't think so. Or blah, blah. No, it's about that acceptance that there is good in the world and it's about training your subconscious and your nervous system to start to find safety in these things. Okay, and I get it.

Speaker 1: 15:22

This podcast could be a really big, shocking realization for you and, trust me, I've been there and the wildest part of it all is that when we come back to the core of it your success in your career and business it keeps this wound healed, okay, while everybody is celebrating you, you like, celebrating that independence, celebrating that go-getter energy, they can't see that you're terrified of receiving, and receiving isn't weak. Asking for help, asking for help isn't weak. Having needs isn't shameful. Being supported isn't a, isn't a burden, and this is one you cannot talk yourself out of. Okay, you have got to get into the subconscious and your nervous system to deal with that one, because that is not happening.

Speaker 1: 16:05

Okay, shame isn't your forever story. It all served a purpose up until now. Okay, and it kept you safe and we can be like thanks, body, that was awesome. But now I really want to see you go from surviving to thriving. That's what I want for you, that's what I want for you. That's what you want for you. I know you do, and I just want you to, like imagine what it would be like to wake up and be in a really beautiful relationship with somebody who cherishes you, without the urge to run and hide, where you receive support from your friend who goes out of their way to do something genuinely nice for you, like I don don't know, supporting you at an event or planning your birthday surprise and you receive and you say thank you without guilt, you speak your needs, without shame, like feeling like you're too much, like, hey, babe, like when you do this. It makes me feel this type of way approaching communication as an adult being able to have open and flowing communication with your partner, with the person you're dating, to understand if this person is the right person for you.

Speaker 1: 17:06

Being vulnerable without your body armoring up, without feeling like when it comes to intimate situations you're just frightened or you're just really stiff and there's so much tension in your body and you haven't ever fucking, really orgasmed during sex with your current partner or with any partner. You know, your body armoring up, without your shame telling you that receiving love means owing something to somebody and that might not be comfortable for you, you know, and it's not about getting rid of that energy where you know that independent boss, babe energy. It's not about getting rid of it, it's about transforming it. You get to be the woman who leads and receives, achieves and allows, succeeds and surrender. You build an empire and deep connections.

Speaker 1: 17:55

You don't have to pick one or the other and I think, like this is one of my unique, special gifts that I'm here to do on earth, which is to be the bridge. I am the bridge between the material world and the spiritual world. Okay, so the 3D and the spiritual world, that is me. That's how I bridge it. Okay, that's how I bring everything to my clients, because I'm going to come at you with very deep psychology, but I'm also going to come with you, like come to you with beautiful divine guidance that is channeled from source for you to be able to implement the things you need to in your life to release shame. There is something literally in my birth chart which shows that I am designed and I am very good at helping people to release shame.

Speaker 1: 18:42

So the power isn't what you do alone. It's about what becomes possible when you allow yourself to be supported. And I've been there too. Like I didn't hire a mentor for a really long time and then I hired one and I hated her and then I changed it and I found like the mentor of my dreams. She's my complete soulmate. Like we must have had a past life together type energy and to allow her to support me has expanded in more ways than I ever thought was possible. So I fully, 100% believe if you're going into the subconscious and nervous system, it's entirely impossible to do it 100% effectively yourself, because your conscious mind is always going to get in the way.

Speaker 1: 19:22

So if you feel very seen in this podcast, know that it's done with love. And I'm calling out to the woman who's done? She appears to have it all together, but inside she's crumbling, she's desperately, wants to know what it's like to receive, to let go of the shame. So if this is you, my brand new one-to-one mentorship is open. It's called sovereign. This is exactly the type of stuff that we cover in sovereign. We cover not only the relationship with yourself, with your mother, with your father, with your inner child and intimate relationships. We work to clear and heal all of this shit, all of these different layers, so that you can step into your full power. All you have to do is claim it. I want you to message me, I want you to email me, I claim it and let's talk about your next step, about stepping into your power, because it's waiting. The only thing that's getting in the way is you, and you can choose to stay where you are or you can choose to move forward with me and that's that.

Speaker 1: 20:25

That is today's episode. Guys, what a wild turn of events. I hope you found that really interesting and if there are any key takeaways that really stood out for you. Please message me. I love to hear that you've listened to the podcast and there is something that you took away and that you thought heck, yeah, I'm so glad I know this piece of information now, or something really dropped in. That was the realization for you. I'm sending you so much love and I will see you.