Secret Podcast Revealed: Reclaiming Your Desire - The Permission to Want More

Feeling overwhelmed by desires or guilty for wanting more? This episode dives deep into the layers of societal expectations, childhood conditioning, and the professional success trap that so many women, particularly high achievers, find themselves ensnared in. We explore the powerful impact of early childhood experiences and how they shape our adult behaviours, often leading to feelings of unworthiness when it comes to voicing genuine needs and desires.

The conversation reveals the intricate dance between childhood messages that make us feel "too much" and the need to embrace our authentic selves. We encourage listeners to challenge the narrative of success as a protective shield while highlighting the loneliness that often accompanies it. Listeners will resonate with the concept of relational trauma, often overlooked yet palpable in how we handle present-day relationships.

You will walk away with a profound understanding of the work that lies ahead in reshaping your story and redefining what you desire. We discuss the importance of diving into our bodies to release the traumas that live within us, challenging the superficial solutions that often fail to address the root causes of our struggles. By embracing vulnerability, we create space for healthy, nourishing connections in all areas of our lives.

Join us in this episode as we guide you through the process of reclaiming your desires while fostering connections that align with your authentic self. Say goodbye to guilt and hello to a life filled with opportunities to strive for more. You deserve it! Feel moved to share your thoughts or experiences with us as we invite you to explore what it truly means to own your sovereignty.

Chapters

• 0:02 Introduction to the Secret Podcast
• 3:33 Discussing Desire and Permission to Want More
• 31:21 The Influence of Childhood Messaging on Relationships
• 1:30:05 Embracing Your Sovereignty and Authentic Self
• 1:58:32 The Professional Success Trap and Genuine Connections
• 4:05:11 Understanding Trauma: Little T and Big T

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello and welcome to this secret podcast. Today we are gonna be talking all about reclaiming your desire and giving you permission to want more. So I want you to think back. Remember when you were little and somebody told you to stop being too much. Maybe it wasn't words, maybe it was the way that you were made to feel, maybe it was watching your mum shrink herself in order to keep the peace, how your dad tensed up when you got too excited. And today we're unpacking why you're still carrying that too much in your story into your relationships, and we're going to be talking about intimate relationship, friendships, family, any sort of relationship.

Speaker 1: 0:45

So this is for the woman who is constantly apologizing Sorry, can I just get this when she's asking for something, the woman who is the high achiever and if you're a high achiever, you're the woman who has always been that go-getter, always set your sights really freaking high. And the high achiever is someone who will feel guilty for wanting more when she's already successful. You already have a successful career or business, but to really want more well, isn't that just greedy? Isn't that just taking up too much? You know, you might be that partner in a relationship who completely freezes when your partner reaches for you and wants to initiate intimacy, but you don't know how to engage like that and you just do it to keep the peace. You might be that leader who's afraid of her desires will overwhelm the relationship, or you might be single and you are just manifesting the same man, but in different bodies, and you're stuck in this little cycle of attracting the same person, repeating the same thing over and over, and it's driving you crazy. Okay, this is for the high achiever who is having problems in their relationships. You're going to be able to take so much away from this podcast I their relationships. You're going to be able to take so much away from this podcast, I promise you, because we're going to be talking about the little girl who learned to shrink. We're going to be talking about the professional success trap and the minimizing patterns. Okay, and then how you can start to break free from this.

Speaker 1: 2:20

So when we are talking about the little girl who learned to shrink, literally this could be any time that you express yourself as a child. You were told to calm down, to be reasonable, or you know that time that you spoke up at the dinner table and said how you felt, like school was a crap day or something, and then your mum went that's not important right now. Right now, you might have been told that, oh, you know, you're just too much, you're too excited all the time, calm down. Or you may have just been somebody who is really excited in school and in class and you get an idea and you get really excited and you really start to talk really loud in class and your teacher told you to stop because you're being disruptive.

Speaker 1: 3:01

All of these little micro messages live within our subconscious mind. Now our subconscious mind develops between zero and eight. This is such an influential part of our experience of life. It is building this hard drive of information of how we see the world, and something that is so incredibly beautiful about the world and about being an individual human is that nobody sees the world quite like you, because they do not have the same genetic makeup and they do not see the world exactly like you. You may find people who have common commonality with you, but you don't find somebody who sees the world exactly like you, because your childhood, your experiences, your DNA, your epigenetics shaped who you are, okay, and and when we go and we have these little micro-experiences, they weren't big, life-changing trauma, okay. This is why the little t and the big t trauma shit is literally bullshit, because little t little trauma is considered relational and then big t big trauma is considered big life events.

Speaker 1: 4:03

But guess what? The most common trauma we have is relational. When you start to get your head around that about how your previous relationships influence exactly where you are now, why it's impossible for you to use your voice to say what you want not just what you need, but what you want, for you to be able to be open and to say exactly what's on your heart, to be that vulnerable version of you. If there are blocks, it is because of historic stuff. Okay, and one of my favorite phrases that I love to use is if it's hysterical, it's historical. So when you get triggered and you have a very emotional reaction to something that could seem, in the grand scheme of things, relatively quite small, there is a lot of history behind that.

Speaker 1: 4:44

So it's already loaded, and this is where our subconscious mind kicks in. Right, because our subconscious mind is so, so important to navigate in the world. The subconscious mind is going to say, hey, I've been in a similar situation like this before. This is how I survived it, because your number one experience and purpose is to stay alive. That is what your body is here to do. Okay, it's not identifying that things have changed. It's not identifying that things are different now that you're an adult, that you know you have different experiences. You have a very logical brain that is operating in your conscious mind. It is just saying to you hey, I don't feel safe. My amygdala, that danger centre, is kicking right off and I need to do what I did before to survive. And this just doesn't apply to you.

Speaker 1: 5:31

Okay, when we are talking about generational stuff, if your mum had to be small in her relationship to keep your dad happy, if your grandmother did, we are passing this down through genetics as well, which is a story for another day. It's called epigenetics. It's a real big, influential scientific study of how we get genetics passed down through generations in order for us to maintain our safety. Okay, we see it in very, very big incidents like the Holocaust, where there is DNA changes, epigenetic changes passed down to their children and to their grandchildren, which mean they live life like they experienced the Holocaust but weren't actually there. It's a really fascinating subject, so I just wanted to just sideline that because you might be like well, there's nothing really obvious in my childhood that explains this, but it could be within your mother or your grandmother or in your female family line, so I really wanted to just highlight that.

Speaker 1: 6:26

And when we're talking about our memory as children as well, not all the time we're going to remember things. Okay, we're not going to remember every single thing that happened to us in our life. If you do, congratulations. I'm in awe of your memory. But if you're somebody like me, who I basically don't remember big chunks of my childhood, it's because my brain is having a trauma reaction and hiding memories from me. Some memories have come back, but not many have come back, and that's completely normal as well. Our brain will push out different memories in order to protect us, and then, when our brain feels that we are able and we're in a place to receive those memories, it then opens up and allows us to see and feel that memory again. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes that never happens again in our lifetime, and this is what it comes to in therapy. Okay, if you're going to a therapist and you're talking about your childhood, this is absolutely fucking amazing.

Speaker 1: 7:22

But how can you talk about things you do not remember? This is why, when I work with my clients, we're talking about getting into the body and into the energy system, because it's living in your nervous system, is living in your subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind is pulling the trigger and making decisions before your conscious mind has even comprehended the situation that's in front of you. Okay, so let's put this into a situational example. You come home from work and your partner is upset with you. Okay, instead of being able to use your voice and be like, hey, what's wrong, what you do is you walk around on eggshells and you ignore them. You are just keeping yourself really, really small, because when you were a child, dad used to shout all the time when he was angry or upset with you. It can literally be that simple, and this is how it's mirroring in your life now. There are so many different situational examples. I could go through and I would love to go through, but we would be here all day. But I just want you to start thinking about how your behaviours now are mirroring those of your parents or your caregivers as you grow up.

Speaker 1: 8:29

Now I want to talk about the professional success trap which I'm just calling it out. Basically, being a high achiever can literally be like a drug. If you were strung out on drugs and alcohol people, people would be like, oh my God, what are you doing? Like this is not great for you, like what the fuck are you doing? But with the success trap, how we get stuck there is because we get praise all the freaking time. Oh my God, you're such a powerhouse. Oh my God, you get things done. Oh my God, you're that person that comes in when we need to get shit done. Oh my God this, oh my God that need to get shit done. Oh my god this, oh my god that. Oh my god, I can't believe you achieved this and you're constantly having praise for these achievements.

Speaker 1: 9:08

You may not get them from your parents, but you might get them from your, from your peers, from your manager, for the way that you handle things, for being that person who's very, very bold and charismatic in her experience. You may be that person at work, you know, or you may get that next qualification and that next qualification and it never feels enough. Okay, this is you standing behind a shield of being that high achiever, because if you're throwing everything into work in your career, you have no room in your life to be vulnerable, to be open to process pain. That has happened previously to deal with relationships that are breaking down. You may not even have a solid group of friends, or if you do, you rarely speak to them and it's always because you're always so, so busy, right? You're always chasing that next paycheck, that next bonus, that next client, whatever it is. You're throwing everything you've got into this business and although there's a part of you that deeply wants to have a beautiful, nourishing romantic relationship the girlfriends who feel like your soulmates and to be really connected to your family, it's just impossible for you, okay. This is why, as well, when you feel like you've achieved things like I did, like I thought, oh, wow, I should be happy because I have a three-bedroom detached house on the outskirts of the Cotswolds, I got a dog, I got a boyfriend, I got a banging career.

Speaker 1: 10:29

But really I felt more alone then than I did ever in my life and it's because I didn't have any meaningful connections in my life. Why? Because I's because I didn't have any meaningful connections in my life. Why? Because I wouldn't be vulnerable. I couldn't let people in, I couldn't let people know I was struggling, and every single day I would wake up and I would be like. Why am I just not happy? I should be happy. Society told me I have all these things. I created this dream life for me. Even my mother said to me you'll never get this as good again. And I just was reinforced from all these different angles that I should be happy with what I have. But what I didn't have was a meaningful, nourishing connection with my partner. There was no intimacy, there was no love Like. There was love, but it wasn't a romantic type love anymore and I just felt so alone in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 11:17

I'd be sat on the sofa and I remember the night that we split up. I just sat there and I just burst out crying and I just said I can't do this anymore. And he said I can't either. And he was always going to be the one that waited for me to say the relationship was over. I don't think he could have initiated himself. He didn't want to put himself through the change, so he waited for me to do that, which obviously meant I was a bad guy. Obviously, I broke up with him, right.

Speaker 1: 11:44

But what did I do then? I had to give up my entire life. I had to give up my life. I had to give up my house, my dog, my partner. I had to move to a different part of the country, which meant commuting to work longer. Then I ended up moving jobs. It was a whole freaking thing that changed my life totally. And when I moved to my flat I was crippled with loneliness, crippled because I had lost all connection to myself. I couldn't be vulnerable with myself and I wouldn't allow myself to feel my emotions.

Speaker 1: 12:14

And then, guess what? My spiritual awakening happened. And then I had no choice, but gratitude became a cage for me. I should be happy with what I have. Why am I not happy? I should just be happy. You know, this is the best I'm going to get. And I mean, like if I had been 40, yeah, I probably would have saved in that relationship. But as a 28 year old I was like I just want more. I just want more out of life. It means that if I have to give up my five holidays a year, my amazing car working part-time and I have to go back and grind, but it means I'm going to be happier. I'm willing to take that risk. So I threw everything out the window and, to be honest, the relationship was amicable like when we broke up, but honestly, it was that cage of gratitude that kept me there for six years.

Speaker 1: 12:57

I knew at year three that things just weren't quite right, but I stayed and I bought a house with this man because I was pressured into I should be happy with what I have. This is what we do, this is what society tells us we do, and I am so grateful. We split up because we would have been unhappily married, we would have been unhappy in our relationship. And what happens is when achievement continues, I get these job promotions, I start earning more money. Like this actually deepens this gratitude wound because you're like I have so much already. Like should I really be chasing that next promotion? Should I be doing this? And you know, yes, absolutely you should. You should be absolutely chasing for everything that you want. If that's a relationship, career, both, whatever you should be allowed to do that Okay.

Speaker 1: 13:51

And from my inner child perspective, it was always like the am I allowed to want more if I'm already lucky? Not everybody has this life I have? Am I allowed to want more? Is it safe to take up more space? Is it safe to desire more? Is it safe to really ask for what I want and not what I need and I have no regrets about my situation. I have no regrets about anything that I did, because it brought me to this place of just deep connection with myself and happiness. And I used to fill my life with people to fill the loneliness. And when I started to really connect inwards and connect to my inner child and all the versions of me that I felt like needed love, oh my god, the loneliness started to just disappear. And when I started to do this, I started to lose friends, I started to lose jobs, I started to lose, like people around me, because I was going into this new version of myself, a happier, more fulfilled, more just, oh God. Just more me, just more me, without shame, without guilt, without worrying about things, without saying sorry, you know, and this is where we talk about the minimizing patterns which I stayed in for so long and a lot of my clients have stayed in for so long, and a lot of my clients have stayed in for so long as well.

Speaker 1: 15:17

So, for example, you may have had this incredible achievement, but you don't allow yourself to fully enjoy it, to fully go. Yeah, that's it. You might have two seconds of I did it and then you move on to the next thing. Okay, you might downplay your achievements around your family whilst you listen to your mum praise your sister about her just regular, normal life, but meanwhile you could be out there rocking boardrooms, delivering presentation to MPs, like I was speaking in parliament, all of this stuff, but you just downplay it. Oh yeah, that's just something that I did, something that I did.

Speaker 1: 15:49

And then another thing that you could be doing would be hiding your career wins from your partner because you don't want to seem like you are the masculine one in their relationship. You might find it really hard to date because you want to date above, where you are in your social status, but actually it's really hard to date up, the higher up you get in in your job. You know there's a lot of people that are above, but it's harder. The pool is not as big as maybe just like dating a regular person. Right, you may apologize for your sexual desires and intimacy needs. If you are somebody who wants and loves affection and you just feel like you can't say that to your partner or to the person that you're dating, that's it. You may have specific sexual desires which you end up apologizing for because you feel like they're embarrassed, embarrassing or shameful, but there's absolutely nothing shameful about your desires.

Speaker 1: 16:41

And shame plays a massive role underneath all of this. And literally it's so funny to me that anytime I start to talk about shame, I start to post on social media about shame. It literally gets no traction because it's such an ugly fucking emotion that people just do not want to listen to or acknowledges that. But the more that you ignore it, the more power it has. The way that you abolish shame is by owning it, and you own the narrative and you take control of the thing that makes you feel shameful. Being very honest with you, I have sexual desires. I've had experiences which my I did not consent to and I felt so ashamed about them for so long and then I was like, actually there's nothing to be ashamed of. I get to own this and integrate as part of me.

Speaker 1: 17:27

Right, we all have light and dark about us. The light is the things that we love to show people. The dark is the things that we don't really want to show people, like our jealousy, our anger, the things that are quote-un less desirable. But you have to understand we live in a world of polarity. The light has the dark. The sun has the moon, the ocean has the earth, the sky has the earth, like we are in a place of polarity. So polarity exists within us and until you start to accept, maybe you do get jealous, maybe you do have those spicy sexual desires, maybe you do have these things that are just a bit wild. And that's okay about you. As long as you're not hurting other people with it.

Speaker 1: 18:10

It's completely fine to integrate the dark. So, for example, I used to get really, really jealous. Oh, I used to get absolutely fierce, like if somebody was like achieving more than me or I perceived them to be doing better than me, then I would be absolutely fucking savage and I would be like, so jealous and resentful. But now I addressed it and I go. It's okay for me to be jealous because it's triggering something in me that's a desire within me, and now I'm happy for that person and I get to be sad for me and I get to tell myself that something is for me, it won't go past me, and this is how you start to integrate the dark and the light. Now I'm just going off on things because, like, minimizing patterns is a really big topic and you know, one of the big things is to make yourself smaller, to make others feel comfortable.

Speaker 1: 18:57

So I don't know, you're dating a guy for a while and he's like, hey, do you want to have a shower at my place? Oh, no, thanks, I don't want that. Oh, hey, do you want me to get this for you? Like you're out with your girlfriend, she's like, oh, let me get this coffee for you. Oh, no, no, no, no, let me get it, even though you know that, like there may not be the finances available in your bank because you've just made an investment or whatever.

Speaker 1: 19:21

Like you might just be in this state of like, having to feel like you have to be in control. Okay, and this all goes back to your childhood. Again, you know, you're always told shut up, be quiet, you're too much. I always used to be told, shut up, you're always told, shut up, be quiet, you're too much. I always used to be told, shut up, you're just being too much. You might feel like if you take up space and you're seen, that means that you are really seen, and like that might be met with negative your criticism, like if your mum used to criticize everything about you your body, your hair, everything. It's easier to hide, hide your wins hide those those things, because then you're not drawing attention to yourself.

Speaker 1: 19:58

Right, sexual desires. You may be shamed from a very young age. It might be the time you got your period and you didn't want to tell anybody, or I don't know. You had an accident and you bled through your trousers or something like that. You might just feel so ashamed of having that. That cycle is that cycle. Having that experience, having that womb, having that experience, having that womb space, having those sexual desires, it might feel really uncomfortable for you to be in your sexual energy because that means you're a slut. Right, you must be a slut or a whore if you get into your sexual energy.

Speaker 1: 20:30

And we live in a contradiction. Being a woman is a contradiction. So, for example, if you show too much skin, you're a slag. If, if you cover up too much, then you're just really uptight. If you sleep with somebody too soon oh my god, you just sleep with everybody. If you don't sleep with somebody too soon, then obviously there's a problem with you. There is no right or wrong to be a woman and to be sexually desire, to express your sexual desires in any way, shape or form, because it's shamed at every experience.

Speaker 1: 20:57

Okay, and shame creates again such a big part of this. Okay, so we have talked about the little girl who learned to shrink, we've talked about the professional success trap and we've talked about the minimizing patterns. Okay, so what do you do? You need to get out of your head and into your body. I talked about this earlier. It's amazing, if you've been going to therapy and you've been in and out of therapy for like a year or two or whatever it is, that's brilliant, because therapy brings up this self-awareness and when you bring up self-awareness, you know how to fix it. You know like, okay, I need to work on these things.

Speaker 1: 21:32

But trauma doesn't live in the mind, it lives in the body. When we're holding on to these beliefs, when we're holding on to all these different things, it lives in different parts of our body and in our energy and in our energy connections to other people. Okay, this is what it means to show up with your aura, right, if you kind of feel like, oh, I don't understand why I keep attracting the same person, it's because you're on that energetic level and you are vibrating at that level, the same level as them. So, what you do, you need to heal the body, you need to heal yourself in order for you to elevate, because if you don't start to heal the stuff that's in your body, it starts to turn out as physical ailments. Right, I have a thyroid problem from chronic stress and from my childhood trauma. That is 100% a fact. Then we have, like my PMDD, so my pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. It's such a mouthful to say, but that is a hormone imbalance and sensitivity, right, this shows how sensitive I am and how much I had to walk around on eggshells as a child in order to just fawn and be in place and just to go along with things, because that's easy for me. That was the way I survived. Okay, that's it. You have these experiences that end up living within us, but then they start to become physical ailments.

Speaker 1: 22:49

So my plea to you is to prioritize your health and to get into the body and into the energetics of the things that happen to you, because for you to move forward, you need to heal the root cause, and I see things all the time in the coaching industry oh, heal yourself in 30 days, heal yourself here, do this, do that, this 24 hour thing, blah, blah, blah. And I know that these coaches are sometimes coming with a genuine desire to help people. But if you're not healing the root cause, you are putting a band-aid over a fucking bullet wound and until you truly decide right, I'm going to go back to childhood and I'm going to heal the really, really important shit. And I promise you all these high level mentors they're all working with inner child stuff until you decide you go back to the root cause, to heal the root cause. Once you've healed everything, you can really start to see where you're lighting up in your life. Okay, because when you heal one thing and that is a root cause, so say, if you go back and you heal one memory and this is all around dad shouting so you needed to be perfect when you start to heal this, you start to not only heal perfectionism, you heal your confidence, your self-worth and so many layers and you get to decide then if you want to go on and maybe go with a confidence coach or go with whatever. But it's no point going with those types of people until you've addressed the core issue. Okay, this is how you work smarter. This is how you may be stuck in a cycle of buying workshops and courses and one-to-ones with people, but you're not getting the results that you want, because you have this underlying issue that is not being addressed.

Speaker 1: 24:24

Okay, and this is exactly what I do with my one-to-one clients. Everything I do is channel. This entire podcast is channeled. I don't know what I've said in this episode, because I have just channeled it. I've allowed it to flow through me and I've allowed it to just be. I've allowed myself to be present and just for the information to flow to benefit you. If you're listening to this, there will be one, at least one thing in here that you thought, fuck yeah, like that made so much sense to me. It's changed my perspective, or I really needed to hear that.

Speaker 1: 24:54

Okay, and this is what I do with my one-to-one clients. This is what I do in my mentorship. It's called a healing mentorship for a reason, because it's a completely bespoke mentorship. Okay, it's one-to-one. We are healing your inner child. We are diving deep into your inner child, your connection to yourself, your connection to your mother, to your father, to your intimate relationships and into shame, and we are looking at everything through a very compassionate lens in order for you to heal the root cause.

Speaker 1: 25:24

And then it becomes this domino effect. Right, you start to heal one thing which might feel quite hard, but then the next thing after is easier and it's easier and it's easier, and it just starts to be like a ripple effect of this incredible experience through your life, elevating your vibration. So you start to call in higher, higher level friendships, higher level relationships, higher level dates, because you become this embodiment of owning your sovereign and this is why I call the mentorship sovereign Because you get to stand in your power, you get to embody it, and you not only get to embody it. I'm not here to just heal you. I'm here to show you what you need to do in order to continue to heal yourself. This is what's so, so important.

Speaker 1: 26:11

Okay, you get to decide right now. If you are that woman that makes things happen and if it is and you're like this podcast spoke to my fucking soul then I am here for you and all you have to do is reach out and just say to me hey, girl, I want to talk about Sovereign. So if you're ready to stop shrinking, if you are ready to just open your throat and talk, if you are ready to heal that little version inside of you that is desperate for attention and just wants to be able to heal herself so she can have it all. So she can have the relationship, the friends, the fucking dream life that you bookmark on social media or save TikToks about. You get to have it all. So if you have any questions if to have it all so, if you have any questions, if you have any desires, if you have this inherent pull in your stomach right now, your intuition telling you sovereign is the right thing for you, then you know where to find me find me on Instagram, find me on email, whatever you need to do in order for you to access me, and we can talk about how you can step into your sovereignty today.

Speaker 1: 27:19

So I hope you enjoyed this secret podcast episode. I have had so much fun recording it. Just allowing the energy to flow through it has just been such a wonderful experience. I hope you loved it. If you did love this, you can find my public podcast, find your inner glow, anywhere that you listen to podcasts. I'll also pop it in the email link so you can check it out if you'd like to. But sending you so much love, babe, I am loving that you've prioritized yourself to listen to this podcast today and I'm sending you so much love and I will speak to you very soon.